Blogging 'Bout Boys

Kids as Advocates for Play

2012-01-26T09:19:00.004-06:00

All month, I've been talking about the importance of play. And all month, my focus has been on what adults can do to protect and rescue kids' right to play. Well, yesterday my very own children reminded me not to underestimate the power of children.

My 11- and 8-yr-olds came home fired up. Outside recess had been cancelled -- AGAIN. (The kids said it was because the adults said the playground was too icy.) Now, I don't know how things were when you were a kid, but when I was a kid, even inside recess was active, at least most of the time. Sometimes we stayed in our classrooms and played board games, but most of the time, we were sent to the gym, where we could run around, play with balls and jump rope. Today? The kids get herded into the auditorium, not the gym, and it's all quiet play. They can walk around the auditorium, but that's about it.

So the kids started a petition. At school, at recess, they drafted a petition and began circling it among the students and teachers. At home, they refined it a bit. You should have seen those boys (two of mine, plus a friends from school!) debating word choice as they created their manifesto! This is what they ultimately wrote:

We have started a petition and we demand outside recess. We are sick of being inside all day long. All the grades that have recess demand for the right to be able to stay in or go out except for in extreme weather. For safety issues we request that you send home a permission slip and for those whose parents are not comfortable with this decision that way they can choose not to let their child/children have the choice.

Sincerely,

Kids grades 3-6

I think they did a pretty good job of expressing their concerns and offering a solution. What do you think?

Protecting Play: In the Community

2012-01-24T10:34:00.008-06:00

Play might be an internationally-recognized right of childhood, but as a society, we're not doing so well at protecting play. Consider:

According to one 2008 study, 25% of U.S. elementary schools don't have scheduled daily recess for all grades
Schools with a high population of minority and low-income students are less likely to have daily recess
Kids today spend less time playing outside than their parents did
Kids' free time declined 7.4 hours per week between 1981 and 1997, and another 2 hours per week between 1997 and 2002/2003
Playtime is increasingly adult-supervised and structured

The good news is that some parents, organizations and communities are taking steps to halt the march away from child-centered play. Concerned citizens and organizations are stepping up to help protect kids' right to play. Want to help? Here are some ways you can protect play:

Stay informed. Do you know what the recess policy is at your local school? If not, find out. Check the play policies at local child care centers as well. And keep up on the latest research about the benefits of play for children. If you're informed, you'll be in better shape to share information with local decision makers.
Join a play-supporting organization. A variety of local, national and international organizations now work to protect kids' right to play. Consider joining or financially supporting Right to Play, the American Association for Child's Right to Play and/or the Right to Recess campaign.
Plan a Play Day. The American Association for Child's Right to Play has directions on their website for interested individuals and organizations who want to organize a community Play Day to draw attention to the importance of play.
Volunteer as a recess monitor. Some schools have reduced or eliminated recess because there aren't enough staff to provide adequate supervision at recess time. Consider offering your services a few hours per week -- and play with the kids! If some kids seem to have trouble finding an activity, teach them Captain May I? or Red Rover, or start a game of Tag.
Become a play advocate. Speak up! If you're concerned about the amount of play at school, schedule a meeting with the principal. Listen to the school's concerns, but share yours as well. Be prepared to share information also. I sent my son's principal links to Playworks and Peaceful Playground's recess programs.
Talk to other parents. When I became concerned about the elimination of football at recess, I sent emails to other school parents (and I started with parents of kids' who played football in a local league). Alone, I won't accomplish much. But if I join together with other concerned parents, I increase the odds of the school revisiting the ban on football.
Involve kids. Kids know what they need to play. Consider working with kids and adults to improve play opportunities for children in your community. For a look at how one community in Ireland did just that, watch this video.
Buck the trend. Organized activities, such as sports and band, are great, but make sure that your kids have plenty of unstructured time as well. Sure, your kids might be the only ones on the block not in summer school, but that's OK. Protecting play begins at home.

Protecting Play: At Home

2012-01-18T11:40:00.006-06:00

Kids come into the world with an innate need to learn, to understand and to create meaning, and for the first few years of their lives, play is the method by which they explore the world. We don't need to teach them how to play -- but we do need to step out of their way.

As we discussed earlier this month, adults often interfere with kids' play. Kids today are not getting enough physical activity because adults worry about their safety. Kids don't get to play football (and practice their social and problem solving skills) because adults worry about liability.

So let's talk solutions. Next week, we'll talk about how we, as parents, can advocate for change. This week, let's talk about ways to protect play at home.

Make Your Home a Place for Play

Creative, imaginative, active play -- the kind that fuels kids' hearts, minds and souls -- doesn't require expensive toys or massive outdoor play sets. It requires you to set the stage and get out of the way.

Want your kids to play? Try these tips:

Don't be afraid of mess. Creative play gets messy. It's pretty hard to create a Lego masterpiece without first dumping out all of the Legos. And it's next to impossible to build a good couch fort without first removing the couch cushions and gathering blankets from every bedroom in the house. So take a deep breath. Let go of your need and desire to have a perfectly coiffed home. Remind yourself that play helps kids learn. And let them play. (If it helps, schedule a clean-up time at the end of playtime.)
Provide raw materials. Ever notice that the most expensive, elaborate toys get the least play? That's because most fancy electronic toys do one thing only. The best play actively engages kids' imaginations, and pre-programmed playthings don't allow kids the freedom to create their own play experience. Instead of spending money on the latest and greatest toys, stock your home with blocks, playdoh and building sets. Add in some dress up clothes and cardboard boxes. Provide art supplies (crayons, markers, paints and scrap paper). Kids like "home things" too, like pretend food and baby dolls.
Get them outside. Inside play is good, but outside play allows your kids to explore on a bigger scale. Try to include some "outside time" everyday. If you don't have a backyard, head to a local park or nature center. Let your kids run, holler and climb.
Set an example. Sending the kids out to play is rarely as effective as heading out with them. While it's impractical (and unnecessary) for you to play with them all time, it's certainly nice to join in now and again. Shoot some hoops together. Play hopscotch. Join them for pretend tea party. And let your kids see you enjoying some fun-time as well. Too few adults play, and that's a shame!
Value play. Too many parents today think that academics are the key to success. Academics are important, but it doesn't have to be an either/or proposition. Kids, especially young kids, learn through play. A preschooler does not have to fill in a worksheet to learn how to count. He can count the rocks in the back of his toy truck.

What do you do to encourage play in your home?

The Benefits of Active Play

2012-01-12T09:53:00.006-06:00

Somehow, our society has lost touch with the importance of play. We talk a good game ("Play is the work of childhood") but our actions (reducing recess, eliminating playground football, making playgrounds so safe that kids find them boring) betray our true intentions. As a society, it seems, we want our kids to be safe, quiet and non-obtrusive.

I think that's a shame. Kids NEED to play -- loudly, freely and often -- in order to develop optimally.

Consider:

UNICEF and the United Nations consider play a universal right for all children
The American Academy of Pediatrics is so concerned about decreasing playtime for children that they've been releasing journal articles about the importance of play since at least 2007
Numerous research studies draw a link between active play and academic success. Our schools might be decreasing recess to make time for extra study, but lots of good science suggests that move to be unenlightened.
Play promotes healthy bodies and healthy brains.
Play allows children to master their fears, try new roles and expand their imagination and worldview.
Play -- especially child-directed play -- helps kids develop social skills, including conflict resolution skills and self-advocacy skills
Play also helps kids develop patience, a sense of belonging and essential communication skills

So why aren't we letting our kids play? As far as I can see, the answer boils down to two concerns:

Fear of injury
Adult inconvenience

Let's tackle those one-by-one.

For kids, play has no real downside -- except for the fact that they might get hurt, physically or emotionally, during play.

Understandably, we want to keep our kids safe. Every single parent I know wants their children to grow up safe and healthy, and every kid-related institution I know (schools, daycare centers) want kids to remain safe because 1) they're genuinely concerned about the kids and 2) they're scared of lawsuits and legal liability, should a child become injured on their watch.

But let's put the fear of injury into perspective. According to a report by The Royal Children’ s Hospital, Murdoch Childrens Research Institute, and the Centre of Physical Activity Across the Lifespan at the Australian Catholic University, "There is no thing such as a risk-free play space."

The report continues:

"In some families the perceptions of risks and an over exaggerated need for close supervision, can prevent children from enjoying and maximising play experiences. Parents’ understanding of the risks associated with play may not in fact match the reality of these risks. Coming to terms with risks in play involves re-thinking the value of active play, and understanding that greater health risks are in fact associated with sedentary behaviour rather than being active.

Children, in schools and early childhood settings, have a right to time and space for child-centred play. Above all, parents and carers need to accept that active play is a natural and healthy means for children to 'explore, take risks, make mistakes, seek out adventure and test boundaries.'"

Is is possible that our efforts to protect our children are backfiring? In our haste to protect them from physical and emotional injury, are we in fact limiting their development? I think the answer is yes.

What about the other obstacle to free play, adult inconvenience?

Adults don't always like to admit it, but it's easier to keep tabs on quiet, sedentary children than it is to supervise a backyard full of kids who are playing War. Well, at least that's the perception. Sometimes I too think it's easier to care for my kids when they're happily entertained by the TV, computer and gaming system, but that's not always true. Often, when they disconnect from their electronic babysitters, my boys are restless and prone to getting into trouble. In reality, I find that my boys are much easier to deal with when they've had an adequate daily dose of active, outside time.

But active, outside time isn't easy to do when you're responsible for many children. I have four boys, and a relatively flexible job. (I work from home as a freelance writer.) What of parents who work all day, returning home after dark, just in time to make supper and supervise homework? What of the daycare providers and babysitters who have to supervise multiple children, while dealing with the ever-present threat of lawsuits and parents who would rather see their kids inside and intact than outside with a skinned knee?

I think it's time to change our societal mindset. I think it's time to make play a priority again. Will you join me? Next week, we'll talk about ways to incorporate play into our sons' days.

Kids & Play

2012-01-03T14:00:00.008-06:00

I'm worried about our kids.

Yesterday, I started my day off with an 8 AM meeting with the middle school principal. The topic: playground football. Football (actually, all play involving footballs) has recently been banned from recess at the middle school. I wanted to know why. The answer? Injuries, aggressive behavior and liability.

Keep that answer in mind as you consider the conclusions of a study released today in the medical journal Pediatrics. The study’s title says it all: “Societal Values and Policies May Curtail Preschool Children’s Physical Activity in Child Care Centers.”

According to the study’s authors, ¾ of U.S. preschoolers are in some form of childcare. The vast majority of those kids is not getting the recommended amount of physical activity per day. (The National Association for Sport and Physical Education recommends that preschoolers participate in at least 60 minutes of structured physical activity per day, and at least 60 minutes of unstructured physical activity. Preschoolers should not be sedentary for more than 60 minutes at a time, unless sleeping.)

Preschoolers at childcare, though, spend 70 to 84% of their time in sedentary pursuits, and only 2 to 3% of their time in vigorous play.

The researchers wanted to know why, so they interviewed scores of childcare owners and workers. They identified three main barriers to active play -

1) Injury concerns

2) Financial

3) Focus on academics

-and concluded that, “societal priorities for young children – safety and school readiness – may be hindering children’s physical development.”

Think back to my conversation with the principal. Football was banned from the playground due to injury concerns. During the course of our conversation, I learned that our district’s 4th graders now only get one recess a day instead of two, and that the time that was previously spent on a second recess is now used for extra math practice. Sounds like prioritizing school readiness over play to me.

As a parent, I’m concerned, and not just for my own children. I’m acutely aware that my boys need time to run around and explore. But I also know that all children need opportunities for physical play, and that kid-structured playtime can improve academic learning and social skills. I know that boys, especially, have a competitive, aggressive streak that needs to find a safe outlet, and that learning to manage that streak is an important part of the trek to manhood.

As a licensed nurse, I’m also aware of the potential for injury. Boy #2 played organized tackle football for the first time this year, and believe me, I paid attention to news stories and research about concussions. Like all parents, I want my kids to grow up safe and healthy. But unlike some parents and educators, I’m willing to let my kids take physical risks, because I believe that in most cases, the benefits outweigh the risks.

You see, when I say that I want my kids to grow up safe and healthy, I mean that in a most holistic manner. I value their physical health, but I also value their emotional, spiritual and social health. I want my boys to learn to value and honor their instincts. I want them to learn from nature. And I want them to be adventurous explorers of their world. (For the record, I’d want the same for my daughters, if I had any.)

So while I know that climbing trees is a risky endeavor (they could break an arm!), I let my boys climb. (With some restrictions: the rule at our house has always been that you must be able to get into and out of the tree on your own.) I let them climb because I understand that it’s important for kids to test limits, to stretch their muscles and imaginations and to spend time in nature. When it comes to tree climbing, I personally believe that the benefits outweigh the risks.

Same thing with football. Yes, my boys might get hurt. But I believe that the fun and exercise and enjoyment they get from the game – not to mention the practice of learning to play well with others – exceeds the risk. The odds are extremely good that one of my boys will be hurt in some way while playing football. But the odds are better that any injuries experienced will be minor compared to the benefits they’ll obtain by playing the sport.

Somehow, though, social policies and values have shifted to the point that we, as a society, are more concerned about protecting our children than facilitating their development. Many of the childcare workers interviewed for the Pediatrics study expressed concern about the amount of time their charges spent in sedentary play, but felt pressure from parents to minimize physical play and to maximize academic engagement.

In fact, the study authors conclude that pediatricians (the paper’s target audience) may be able to increase kids’ physical activity by educating parents. "Pediatricians,” they write, “may need to highlight for parents the many learning benefits of outdoor play…and reassure parents that active time does not need to come at the expense of time dedicated to ‘academics’ and ‘learning.’”

I’m sad that it’s come to this – that doctors now have to educate parents as to the importance of active play. But I’m determined to do my part. So for the next month here at Blogging ‘Bout Boys, we’ll be talking about the importance of play. Help me get the conversation started. What challenges do you face in your community? Do kids in your school district get recess? Do you ever feel pressure from other parents to restrict your childrens’ play? What do you think we, as parents, can do to re-emphasize the importance of play?

Boys, Education and Single Parenthood

2011-12-30T09:49:00.011-06:00

Talk about an article designed to attract my attention.

An article published yesterday in The Guardian, a British newspaper, carries this provocative headline and subtitle: "Girls 'more resilent' than boys at school: Girls from single-parent families outperform boys in class because they are less affected by parental input, study shows."

As a divorced parent of four boys, I found the article a somewhat depressing retread of a oft-expressed theory: Boys don't do well in single parent homes.

The article states that the so-called "gender gap" in education -- the tendency for boys to underperform in school, as compared to girls -- may be because boys from single parent homes are more likely to have behavioral and emotional problems that carry over into the school setting, while girls don't seem disturbed by the lack of a two-parent household.

According to the article, "Boys raised outside a traditional two-parent family were more likely to display behavioural and self-control problems in class and were suspended more often...By the time the children were 10 or 11 the "gender gap" between boys and girls displaying behaviour problems in school was twice as big for those brought up by single mothers as those from traditional families."

When the boys' dad and I first separated, I quite naturally fretted about the impact of our separation on the boys. (I still do!) Like all modern, 21st century parents, I turned to Google for answers. What I found did not reassure me. Google told me that boys are more likely than girls to become depressed and angry after their parents' divorce. That they're more likely to have academic and behavioral problems, more likely to assume blame and increasingly likely to become distanced from their mother.

Now another study tells me that boys in single parents families are all-but-destined for academic failure??

Well, I refuse to believe it. I refuse to believe that our divorce will doom our boys to a less-than life. I know that our divorce affected them -- and affected them greatly -- but I will not let the divorce be an excuse for academic failure, behavorial problems or relationship issues. I fully, completely, 100% believe that children of divorced and single parents can grow up to become functioning, well-adjusted human beings. And while my ex and I are not perfect, I believe that we're doing some things to mitigate the effect of our divorce.

One: We are both still actively involved in our boys' lives. The Guardian newspaper article doesn't mention if the boys in the study had involved dads; it merely says "single parent families." As you and I both know, single parent families are frequently headed by women. Moms can raise some fabulous sons, but I think it behooves the moms, dads, sons and society to have some continued strong male involvement in boys' lives. Was the problem really that the boys were raised in single parent families, or that they had no strong male role models?

Two: When we see a behavioral problem, we address it. Please don't take this to mean that the boys' dad and I are model co-parents. We're not. Most of the time, we barely talk, and our values and beliefs regarding parenting differ. But...we both want our boys to be functioning members of society. We both want our boys to function well in and out of the classroom. And you can bet that if either one of us hears that our sons are acting up in (or outside of school), we will address the issue. Our boys have had counseling; that remains an option, should it be needed again in the future. I also work with the boys daily on basic problem solving, anger management and interpersonal relations.

Three: We support the boys' interests and educational pursuits. My house is filled with books. The boys' dad loves to watch educational documentary style shows (think "Ice Road Truckers" and "American Pickers") with the boys. We also make it a point to weave the boys' natural interests into our days and the boys' education. Boy #1 is an avid fisherman; I showed him how to use the library website to access every fishing book within our interlibrary loan system, and his dad helped him get and outfit a simple boat and takes him fishing. #2 loves sports: He plays football, basketball and baseball, and has lots of fiction and non-fiction books about sports. #3 is gettting into robotics, electronics and RC cars. Guess what he got for Christmas? I gotta think that all of that educational support will make a difference for the boys in the long run.

What do you think? Do you think that life in a single parent household dooms boys to a life of educational failure? Or do you think that parenting is more important than household or family structure?

Taking Time Off

2011-12-14T22:15:00.003-06:00

Raising boys is a lot of work! And if you're like most parents I know, you probably feel likely overwhelmed right now. Winter holiday + already busy schedule + tight family budget = stress.

My question to you is, What are you doing to deal with the stress? A lot of articles and blog posts this time of year focus of cutting back on holiday activities. And while that approach makes sense -- less must-do's = less stress, right? -- what I really want is some time to do nothing.

Can you relate?

It's not easy to take time off when you have kids. Parents don't get sick days, or holidays either. But I'm learning (ever so slowly!) to respect the cravings of my brain and body. When my brain and body scream for a break, I try to take a break.

No, I probably won't be able to take an entire day off, at least not this week or next week. But I can turn off the computer, grab a good book and hop into a hot bath. As a matter of fact, that's what I'm going to do right now.

What do you do when you need a break?

Supporting Families and Education

2011-12-08T13:08:00.006-06:00

Finland is doing something right.

At least, that's the basic premise behind a recent Milwaukee Journal Sentinel article, "All Eyes on Education." Finnish students excel on international measures of academic achievement; they consistently receive high scores in reading, math and science. Finland also has one of the world's smallest achievement gaps between its lowest- and highest-performing school. And they do it all on a per-kid education budget that's less than the United States'.

But as the article makes clear, Finns' educational success isn't completely due to high standards for teachers and an emphasis on creativity and independent thought. The country also places a high value on the family -- and, unlike the United States, which pays lip service to the importance of family but actually does very little support families, Finland puts its money where its priorities lie.

While the United States leaves parents alone to figure out how to juggle work, family, childcare and education, the Finnish government allows parents (of both sexes!) to take up to 17 weeks of paid vacation of the birth of a child. If they wish, parents can add on another three years of unpaid leave. Free daycare is available for all children from infancy to kindergarten-age, but if parents choose to care for their children at home, they receive a monthly home-care allowance from the government. That's on top of the monthly child support money every single family receives until the kids are grown, the one the article says parents get because Finns believe "that raising children shouldn't be an undue financial burden for families."

Oh, and they get healthcare as well.

Think about it: How different would life be if all parents were able to take time off of work to bond with their babies? If parents who wanted to nurture their children at home were given the resources to do so, instead of being financially forced to place their children into often sub-standard childcare arrangements so that they can pay the bills and have health insurance?

What would it be like if we gave families the tools they needed to raise and nurture the next generation?

Yes, such government support comes at a cost. According to the Journal Sentinel article, income taxes in Finland range from 6.5% to 30%; municipal taxes are 16 to 21%, depending on income. But I wonder: How much would that really affect my daily budget? I mean, if I got healthcare and childcare and some child support from the government back, would I really be paying any more per month? Or would I merely be participating in a system that does its best to ensure that all kids get a good start in life?

Because I believe that what happens at home is always more important than what happens at school. Whether you're in Finland or inner city L.A., what happens at home has far more bearing on your education and character development than anything that happens in the classroom.

I'm in no position to emigrate to Finland, so for now, I will do everything I can to support families and education here in the U.S. For me, that has meant sacrificing years of income and retirement security to be with my kids in their younger years. It means continuing to support my kids' interests and outside activities, even now that most of them are in school. It also means supporting moms and dads by the dissemination of information. That's why I write articles; that's why I blog.

It's also why I try to provide support and encouragement to every parent I meet. Parenting is hard work, and even if I can't help with the specifics of your situation, I can assure you that challenges are normal and that the struggle is worth the effort. I can smile at mom with two crying kids in a stroller; perhaps my smile will signal to her that I think her efforts are worthwhile.

I can also work in community to meet the needs of the families around me. I can donate food to my local food pantry, buy gifts for families in need over the holidays and support legislation that supports families and education.

What are you doing to support families and education? Do you think government should play a larger role in the support of families, ala Finland? Or do you think there's something to be said for the U.S. approach?

Homeschooling Boys

2011-12-01T11:17:00.003-06:00

Do you homeschool your boys? If so, I'd love to hear about some of your favorite books, games, resources and activities.

Leave me a comment with some of your favs. I'll do a round-up post of your favorite resources. (And if you have a lot of say, feel free to drop me an email at jennifer@jenniferlwfink.com)

Thankful

2011-11-23T21:09:00.003-06:00

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for:

Four wonderful, healthy boys who challenge, inspire and teach me every single day
Acts of kindness from friends, neighbors and strangers
A close-knit community
A church that welcomes my children as valuable members of the faith community
Technology! I couldn't live the life I do without the Internet.
The ability to read. Did you ever stop and wonder how much richer your life is because you know how to read?
Red wine and coffee
My woodstove
Our puppy, who, like my boys, challenges me daily, but brings so, so much to our lives.
The Muppets (this one might be because I saw The Muppet Movie today, but c'mon -- I really think the Muppets make the world a better place)
Quiet times for reflection
Camping trips with my boys
Hikes in the woods
Plentiful work -- and the ability to make a living doing interesting work I enjoy
Online communities that create real-life connections (FLX!)
The fact that I am still standing, four years into the recession and one year post-divorce. While so many in the world struggle, I still have my children, my friends, my home and my family, and that is everything.

Thanks for sharing the journey with me.

What are you thankful for this holiday season?

Penn State and Sexual Abuse

2011-11-16T21:45:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking about Penn State a lot lately.

By now, you've heard the story: Jerry Sandusky, a former Penn State football coach, has been charged with molesting eight boys over a 15-year period. Sandusky denies molesting anyone, though he admits to showering and "horsing around" with young boys.

Whether or not the allegations against Sandusky are true, the fact remains that sexual abuse of young boys is a problem. One in six boys will be a victim of sexual abuse before the age of 18. Most will know their perpetrator.

Scared yet? I am. While I truly believe that most people who work with kids are good, kind people, statistics, case studies and anecdotal data tell me that there are some bad people out there as well. And the real problem is that the bad guys don't always look like the bad guys.

Sexual abusers are often, on the surface, well-liked members of the community. Many of them appear genuinely concerned about kids; many of them have convinced themselves that they are genuinely concerned about kids. But sexual abusers gradually break down boundaries. Sexual abuse may start with a gentle touch. Who, after all, is going to object to a slow back rub from a coach who's an all-around good guy?

Put yourself in the place of potential victim. Imagine, for a minute, that you are 10-years-old. That your home life is less-than-stellar. Not abusive, necessarily; just less-than-nurturing. Perhaps your mom works all the time to support the family. Maybe your dad just lost his job and is feeling kind of depressed. Maybe your parents are too busy to really spend time with you, and maybe, in your heart of hearts, you're feeling a little bit lonely.

Along comes a coach. Where your parents see an interruption and interference, he sees potential. He spends time with you. He tells you you're special. He smiles when he sees you coming; your mom frowned today when she saw your report card.

So when your coach invites you to his house after practice, you feel honored. His family is so nice to you!

Now...imagine this scenario playing out over a matter of months or years. Imagine the warm feelings you develop for the coach. Now imagine that the coach touches your back just a little too long after dinner one day. The quick squeeze of the shoulders turns into something else -- fingers rubbing up and down your back. It feels odd, but it's over as soon as it starts.

Would you tell someone? Probably not. After all, "nothing" really happened, and Coach is a good guy. Besides, you're 10; he's the adult. It seemed normal to Coach, so you're probably just over-reacting.

Most sexual abusers groom their victims over a period of time. After gaining the victim's trust, there are gradual violations of the victim's boundaries. By the time the hard-core sexual abuse happens, the abuser has essentially trained the child to ignore the boundary violations. The abuser has become an important part of the child's life. And sometimes, the abuse feels good on a physical level. Imagine the shame and confusion felt by a child who actually felt a moment of pleasure when sexually abused by a trusted adult!

It's up to us, as parents and community members, to create safe environments for our children.

How do we do that?

1. Love our children. All children need to feel special, loved and valuable. Love your children, and be kind to their friends as well. Listen to their hopes, dreams and fears. Support their efforts and desires. A child with a strong sense of self and a strong support system at home is not an attractive target for sexual abuse.

2. Teach children to question authority. Teachers and coaches and priests are not always right. Let your child know that it's OK to ask questions and express opinions --- and live that lesson in your home. Encourage children to think critically; welcome their questions and queries.

3. Minimize opportunity. One-on-one situations are the most dangerous for kids. Does that mean that your child can never go fishing with an adult friend? No. It means that you better know that friend awfully well first. And that you should pay close attention to your child's behavior before and after outings with the friend. At the first sign of trouble, halt all further contact until you figure out what's going on.

4. Teach children the difference between good and bad secrets. Abusers often convince children to keep "their secret." So be sure to tell your child about the different kinds of secrets. Good secrets -- like birthday surprises -- are ones that make people feel happy. Good secrets are only kept for a certain period of time before they're revealed. Bad secrets, on the other hand, make you feel yucky inside. Bad secrets are ones that are supposed to be kept forever. Tell your child that you will help him handle bad secrets.

5. Steer away from adults who exhibit risky behavior. According to a recent CNN.com article, adults who don't respect your rules when they're with your child may be setting up an unhealthy dynamic. Also be alert for adults who want to spend time alone with kids.

6. Respond to symptoms. Be alert for these possible symptoms of abuse:

Change in appearance. Kids who are being sexually abused may start dressing in baggy, unattractive clothing.
Withdrawal and social isolation. It's common for teens to spend time alone in their rooms. But if your child has pulled away from all his friends, something more might be going on.
Anxiety. Some kids will be anxious before specific activities. Other sexually abused kids experience general anxiety.
Decreased school performance. Have your child's grades recently dropped, for no explainable reason?
Disinterest in usual activities. If your formerly hyped-up-about-football son loses interest in the sport, it's up to you to figure out what's up.

7. Report your suspicions. According to the first reports out of Penn State, another football coach called his dad -- not the police --after witnessing a disturbing scene between Sandusky and a 10-year-old boy. (The coach has since said he talked with the police). Frankly, I can understand how shock might impair activity. But the bottom line is this: kids' lives are on the line. Sexual abuse affects victims' entire lives; it affects the lives of their children and spouses as well. So don't wait. If you even think that something inappropriate is going on between an adult and a child, speak up. Report your suspicions to the authorities and let them conduct an investigation.

Have you been talking about Penn State with your kids?

Why My Boys are Getting Gardisil -- and Why Yours Should Too

2011-11-09T14:05:00.004-06:00

Have you heard of Gardisil? It's one of the two HPV vaccines that are currently on the market. (The other is Cervarix.) HPV, or human papilloma virus, is shorthand for a number of HPV strains that are known to cause cancer.

Put the pieces together. HPV causes cancer. There are two effective HPV -- cancer preventing! -- vaccines on the market. Why are we not jumping up and down about this news?

Instead, everyone from Michelle Bachmann to the parent down the street is weighing in on the merits and dangers of the vaccine. The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) recently upped the ante when they recommended routinely vaccinating boys as well as girls.

That recommendation doesn't make sense to some parents. After all, doesn't HPV cause cervical cancer?

Well, it does. But did you know that HPV is now a leading cause of head and neck cancers as well? Or that it can cause penile and anal cancer also?

According to the CDC, each year in the U.S.:

1,500 women and 5,600 men get HPV-associated oropharyngeal cancers (cancers of the back of throat including base of tongue and tonsils)
400 men get HPV-associated penile cancer
2,700 women and 1,500 men get HPV-associated anal cancer

Traditionally, smoking and tobacco usage were the main causes of head and neck cancers. But experts say that's changing. In a recent interview, Dr. Gregory Weinstein of the University of Pennsylvania told me that the number of oropharyngeal cancers is rising, and that head and neck cancers are increasingly occurring in younger patients.

Think about that for a bit. HPV is incredibly common; medical experts say that up to 50% of the sexually active population will be infected with HPV at some point. And oral sex is increasingly common among teenagers. According to the CDC, between 2006 and 2008, 48.4% of males between that ages of 15 and 19 have had oral sex with a female. 44.6% of 15 to 19 year-old girls have had oral sex with a male.

Not surprisingly, the numbers increase as the teens grow into adults. By adulthood, the number of people who have had oral sex hovers around 90 percent.

So, statistically-speaking, my boys -- and yours --are at risk for oral exposure to HPV. There's no guarantee that HPV exposure will result in oral cancer; researchers are still trying to determine why some people seem to clear with virus from their bodies without problem, while others go on to develop pre-cancerous and cancerous lesions. But given what we know now -- HPV can cause cancer, HPV is sexually transmitted and is virtually endemic in the population -- why wouldn't I take steps now to protect my sons' health?

Yes, there are some risks to the HPV-vaccine. There are also a lot of misconceptions about the vaccine. For a balanced look at the issues, check out this news story by NPR.

Bottom line: I'm getting my boys vaccinated against HPV. I'm doing it for them, and I'm doing it for their future sex partners as well.

How about you? Have your boys gotten the HPV vaccine?

Guest Post: In Praise of Free Play

2011-11-03T11:36:00.003-05:00

By Marijke Vroomen Durning

It’s a typical toddler birthday party. The gifts are quickly unwrapped. While his parents ooh and aah over the wonderful toys, little Evan is enthralled with the discarded colorful paper and ribbons. If he’s really lucky, the gifts came in big boxes – and we know what that means. To heck with the gifts, there are boxes to play with!

When we were children, how many of us were thrilled at the prospect of a new appliance delivery? It wasn’t the new fridge or dryer that we were anticipating, it was The Box -- the great mysterious box that would provide us with hours of entertainment. What exotic places or far away planets would we travel to? What magical stories would we tell? What would we experience by getting inside this box?

Amid all the wonderful opportunities our children have, from organized sports and music lessons, to specialized school prep courses, there is one thing those activities don’t offer: the ability, the opportunity for children to reach beyond what they know. To use their imagination.

If we have so much to entertain our children, why is it important for children to play with a box?

Because that box doesn’t tell a child what to do.

It doesn’t present itself as anything but an empty box. There are no preconceived notions as to what should be done with it. What that box becomes is entirely up to the child.

Organized games are fun. Sports, outside activities, card and board games, even video games can offer useful life lessons in terms of cooperation, taking turns, and so on. But these games have rules that are set up in advance. In order for the children to play, they must follow the rules.

On the other hand, free play, such as playing with the box or running around outside with friends, has no preset rules. The rules are what the children decide they should be. And, if you watch children in free play, you may also notice that the rules are often very fluid. What wasn’t allowed at the beginning is more than acceptable later on, for example.

Fantasy play, which can include rough-and-tumble wrestling or having a tea party, calls on using imagination. Roles have to be created and there are decisions on how those roles will be played, who does what, when and where. As the play evolves, more thought has to be put in to the next steps of the game. There is likely a lot of negotiation as each child tries to be what he or she wants, or at least do something that gives him or her pleasure. Cooperation is needed so the play runs smoothly, and learning that you can’t always have your own way may also pop into the equation – that is, if you want to have playmates the next time you want to play.

Unfortunately, fantasy and imaginative play are becoming a lost art in many families. Too many children aren’t allowed to be bored – which is often when fantasy games are created. Many parents feel that if they allow their children to become bored, they must be failing in some way. So, to prevent boredom, there are many activities to choose from, either independently or with a parent.

Fantasy play may also be losing out to a perceived lack of time. Children are spending time in school, in daycare, and in organized activities. When they get home, they may have homework to do or they’re just plain too tired to do anything but watch TV or play on the computer. Parents, who are organizing their own full lives often don’t have the time or wherewithal to encourage their children to play. It’s easier to keep them busy.

And finally, there is the issue of adult hovering, or helicopter parenting. Parents who fall into this category don’t allow their children to play by themselves or with other children without their supervision for fear that they may get hurt physically or that their children may not be able to hold their own against a friend who may be a stronger personality. By being ever present, the hovering parents can ensure that their children always get to play fair, take turns, and have an adult to turn to if they feel that play isn’t going the right way.

Of course, life isn’t always so cut and dry, but if we think about it, it is easy to see that our children are not getting many opportunities to be kids, to pretend there are flying off to planet XYX to battle the bad guys. They can’t set up an elaborate theater so they can present a puppet show to their dolls and stuffed animals, and they can’t lie on the grass, staring up at the sky to see the clouds.

Although our lives are enriched with technology and fun that didn’t exist a generation ago, we shouldn’t relegate free play into the past, something quaint that we do when the power goes off.

Free play is an essential part of being a child and children who don’t get that opportunity to play may be missing out on a vital part of childhood development.

Guest blogger Marijke Vroomen Durning is gathering stories about games we used to play as children. She invites people to visit her website, Games We Used to Play, to read other stories and to submit a memory of a game (or games) they played, perhaps discovering that these favorite games were also played elsewhere with different rules or under a different name.

Photo by Nicholas Kimball via Flickr Creative Commons

Life's Not Fair

2011-10-26T22:24:00.002-05:00

It all started because I had the wrong breakfast cereal.

No, back that up. It started because I didn't wake the boys up early.

Actually, it started the night before, when Boy #1 noticed that our van's front passenger tire was saying, "Psssssssssst."

The tire clearly had a leak. And given the consistency of the hiss emanating from my tire, the fact that it was almost 8 pm at night and the hard-to-admit but true fact that I have never, ever changed a tire, it was pretty obvious that a) the tire would be completely flat by morning and b) that I wouldn't be able to give the boys a ride to school.

Instead of springing this horrible, life-alterning news on the boys in the morning, I decided to give them a heads-up before bedtime.

"Just so you know," I said, "the van has a flat tire, so I won't be able to give you a ride to school in the morning. You'll have to walk or bike."

From the tears and groans that erupted, you'd think that we lived 10 miles, at least, from school, or that I had asked them to crawl across broken glass. (Actually, I think the broken glass assignment would have gotten a more enthusiastic reception.) The reality, though, is that we live a block and a half from the elementary school and less than a mile from the middle school. My boys are healthy, able-bodied and definitely able to cover the distance. In fact, they walk home on a regular basis.

But walking in the morning? That was just too much!

I told the boys that I'd wake them a bit early, since they'd need to leave for school earlier than usual. I even said that I'd walk along with them. And that we could bring the dog. They were still-- how shall I put this delicately? -- NOT HAPPY.

Cut to the next morning. Knowing full well how crabby my kids are in the morning, I decided to let them sleep as long as possible. Instead of waking them at 6:45 am (their usual wake-up time is 7), I let them sleep 'til 6:50. Boy #2 was furious when he realized that I woke him up "late." (Never mind the fact that he has his own alarm.)

His bad mood continued into the kitchen. An inspection of panty revealed that "all" we had for breakfast was Cheerios and Raisin Bran.

"We never have any good cereal!" he exclaimed. He practically cried as he spooned "stale" Raisin Bran into his mouth. (Never mind that we got the cereal last week.)

By this time, his younger brothers had joined us in the kitchen, and picked up the chorus.

"It's raining outside!," #3 declared. (Never mind the fact that the rain had stopped hours before the boys woke up; the pavement was merely wet.)

"Why do we have to walk?" #3 pleaded -- despite the fact that our van was clearly leaning to one side.

I' snapped.

"I'm not here to make a perfect world for you!," I yelled. "I'm here to help you figure out how to live in an imperfect world."

The words were so profound that I was struck by their wisdom. I grabbed a pen and pad of paper and scrawled down my sudden insight.

I could, I suppose, bend over backwards to create a "perfect" world for my kids. I could stock the right cereals, let them sleep the perfect number of minutes per night, and stay up late, learning how to change a tire on YouTube.

But I don't owe my kids perfection. I need to feed my kids, but I certainly don't need to feed them the trendiest cereals in the coolest boxes. I need to help my kids learn, but I don't owe them a ride to school.

Besides, perfection is an ever-moving target, and life comes at us, whether we're ready or not. My boys are growing up in a world that includes flat tires and sudden, unexpected changes in plans. I don't think I'd do them any favors by artifically creating a "perfect" environment.

What my boys -- and yours -- really need to learn is how to live in an imperfect environment. They need to learn how to roll with the punches, how to respond to disappointment, and how to cope with unexpected challenges. They need to learn how to live and love in the face of adversity. The reality is that life often fails to live up to our expectations -- and the sooner my boys learn how to smile with grace and move on , the happier they'll be.

Get Ready for Veteran's Day

2011-10-24T10:02:00.002-05:00

I know it's not even Halloween, but Veteran's Day (November 11) is fast approaching. Want to mark the day in a meaninful manner? Check out my blog post, Honoring Our Vets, at The Homeschool Classroom.

Is Your Son a Picky Eater?

2011-10-12T12:04:00.004-05:00

None of my sons are a gourmand's dream. Each will hesitate at the sight of new food -- and by "hesitate," I mean "politely (or not-so-politely) refuse to try." None of them are big fans of mixed foods, like casserole, even if they like all of the individual ingredients. (My boys all like ham, cheese, noodles and broccoli -- but mix those basic ingredients up in a casserole, and none of the boys will do much more than take the requisite taste.) Their list of OK foods is pretty narrow: pizza, burgers, spaghetti, pork chops, chicken nuggets, sandwiches, cereal...you get the picture.

Part of it, I assume, is my fault. I'm not the most adventurous eater either. I was well into my twenties before I tried a non-Italian, non-Mexican ethnic food. Even then, I had to make a conscious effort to focus on the overall taste, and not think, "what is IN this thing?" (because God forbid if it contain an ingredient I didn't like!). To this day, I'm not a big fan of veggies and I really, really don't like fruit -- as in, I have a weird aversion to fresh fruit. If I actually force myself to eat fruit, I'm able to admit that the taste isn't so bad -- and may actually be good. But overcoming the mental hurdle is more effort than I'm usually willing to put in. Luckily, my boys haven't inherited my fruit aversion. All of them enjoy multiple fruits; my oldest, I think, could live on fruit.

The idea that my boys might have inherited some of my food quirks, though, is not so far-fetched. A 2007 New York Times article reported on a research study that indicated that 78% of kids' receptiveness to new foods appears to be genetic, while 22% is environmental.

Interesting, right? Yes. But ultimately, not helpful, because what we all want to know is how to a) make sure our kids get a balanced diet and b) help our kids enjoy food.

Techniques I've tried, with little to no success:

Stocking the house with mostly good food and letting the boys eat what they want. The problem with this technique, at least at my house, is that there's so much junk food in the world! My boys have an amazing ability to hold out, and junk food has an amazing ability to show up just often enough to prevent the boys from ever getting hungry enough to eat the "good food." Case in point: My Mom loves to bring over donuts. She also keeps her house stocked with treats, and frankly, I don't want to be the mom who refuses to let Grandma give the boys treats.
Insisting that the boys try at least one bite of every food on their plates. The big problem with this one? I don't want to have to police who eats what. Plus, my boys will eagerly watch each other for reaction. If one tries supper and makes a face, the others manage to gag or sit there stubbornly while the food remains on their plates.
Letting the boys fix their own simple meal after trying the offered meal. I refuse to make multiple meals. Once I've cooked a meal, I want to sit down and eat it. I also recognize the fact that not every member of the family will like the meal. So if my boys at least try the food, I allow them to get up and make themselves a peanut butter-and-jelly sandwich or bowl of cereal.
Eliminating the distinctions between "good" and "bad" food. Essentially, this technique meant letting the boys eat whatever they wanted. They were happy. I was not. See bullet point #1. There's just too much non-nutritious food out there in the world, and I want to make sure my boys are getting the calories, protein, vitamins and minerals they need.

Now Elizabeth Pantley, author of the No-Cry Sleep Solution and other No-Cry parenting books, has published the No-Cry Picker Eater Solution. I appreciate her intent, as well as the fact that there's a huge audience for this book. I just don't think that most of her advice is going to work for my boys. Check out this excerpt:

~ Put vegetables on a pedestal.
It's an odd fact that while vegetables are a healthy cornerstone of any diet, they are usually relegated to a back corner side dish. While interesting recipes appear for main dishes, the vegetables are often steamed or boiled in a routinely boring presentation. Start treating vegetables as the star of the meal and your kids will too.

I doubt it.

~ Name the star of the show.
Vegetables rarely get the spotlight. When kids ask, "what's for dinner?" we name the meat and starch - "Chicken and rice" or "Steak and potatoes" and don't even mention the vegetables. From now on, name the veggies first. Create a fun name for the vegetable of the day you can help your children view them in a different light. So, what's for dinner? "We're having Brilliant Bunches of Broccoli along with chicken and rice."

Would your boys be tricked by "Brilliant Bunches of Broccoli?" I don't think mine would. Besides, my boys already like broccoli. I need help with the chicken! (For some reason, despite the fact that I serve it often in a variety of different ways, my boys tend to think of chicken as a "weird" food.)

~ Search out new recipes for veggies.
Try stir-frying a mix of veggies with olive oil to give them an attractive presentation and a unique flavor. Add a sprinkling of nuts or seeds or a dribble of sauce. Mix two or even three kinds of vegetables together for a colorful dish.

See blog post paragraph #1. My boys don't like (read: "won't touch") mixed-up foods.

~ Get artistic.
It can be fun to serve vegetables in interesting containers or arranged colorfully in patterns or shape.

It can be a lot of work to artfully cut up and arrange veggies that my boys aren't going to eat anyway.

~ Let them dip 'em.
Serve a platter of raw veggies with dipping sauce such as ranch dressing, yogurt or hummus Kids often prefer raw vegetables over cooked, especially if they can dip.

The only dip my boys like is ketchup. They still consider ranch dressing and hummus exotic, "weird" foods. Yogurt is OK, but the only thing they'll dip in it is fruit (after the yogurt has been mixed with peanut butter.) They do like raw veggies better than cooked veggies, though.

~ Give kids a choice.

Routinely serve two vegetables at dinner so that you double the chance your child will eat at least one. Plus, seeing two vegetables will build an expectation that vegetables are important.

Yep. It will also double the odds that I end up wasting twice as many veggies.

~ Get sneaky.
While you are teaching your child about nutrition, go ahead and hide some vegetables within other recipes to up your child's daily quota. It's easy to add chopped spinach to hamburgers, pureed squash into macaroni and cheese, crushed cauliflower into mashed potatoes, or bits of carrots and broccoli into spaghetti sauce. That way your kids get the benefits of vegetables no matter what.

Despite my boys' reluctance, I refuse to hide veggies. Isn't the point to teach them to enjoy multiple foods. Won't hiding the "good" foods just teach the kids that the food in question really is yucky? (I mean, do you traditionally hide your good china? Or good clothes?) And won't they just then be more suspicious of any food that you make? Because I'm sure that at least one of my boys would figure out what's up.

So parents -- How do you deal with picky eaters?

Keeping Boys Busy

2011-10-05T14:29:00.004-05:00

What are your boys doing to stay busy this fall?

My oldest, age 13, is a member of the Junior Show Choir. (Think Glee, but without all the snark). He's also got a bit part in a local community theatre production, cuts lawn for some residential customers and writes content for a fishing website.

Boy #2, now 11, is playing football on a 5th and 6th grade team. The team practices Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday from 4:30 pm to 6 pm -- and plays games on Saturday -- so between school and sport, he has little time at home.

Boy #3, age 8, is attending third grade at a local school. In his spare time, he loves to bike and skateboard. He also recently took third place in a 1K race for kids ages 8 and under. He's already announced his intent to play flag football next year.

Boy #4, age 5, is in kindergarten. He also likes to putter in his workshop (yes, I let him use tools), watch Wild Kratts and play with friends.

Did I mention that we're also members of 4H?

Life is pretty busy these days, as I imagine it is in your home. But while my older boys are involved in a couple of organized activities (Show Choir, football), I don't think that organized activities are essential. Keeping boys busy is a must -- boys with too much time on their hands tend to find trouble. But "busy" can vary from boy to boy and home to home. Consider these non-organized, but still fun ideas to keep your boys busy this fall:

Yard cleanup. Don't laugh. Your kids might be more willing to participate than you think. The key is to work together; your kids aren't going to get excited about picking up the yard unless you're out there too. Look for age-appropriate ways for the kids to contribute. My 5-yr-old loves driving his plastic truck around the yard and picking up sticks.
Making wood. Do you heat your home (at least partially) with wood? Let the boys go out into the woods with you, their dad or another reliable adult. You probably don't want them using chainsaws yet, but there's no reason why they can't carry and haul wood -- and help stack the wood at home. Make sure to leave some time to play in the woods.
Go for a hike. Right now, the fall colors at my home are near their peak. The days are warm and bathed in golden sunshine. It's the perfect time to get out and explore natural areas. One bonus: most of the bugs are gone!
Pick apples. Got an apple orchard nearby, or an apple tree in your yard? Get busy picking apples! Your sons can help you convert the apples into apple chips, applesauce and apple pie.
Go camping. If you can, try squeezing in just one more weekend of camping. I'd love to take my boys, but football (see above) is interfering with our schedule.
Go for a bike ride. On a rainy day, have your boys tune-up their bikes. Then take them out for a spin on a nearby bike trail.

Have any other ideas to list? How do your boys stay busy in the fall?

How's School Doing?

2011-09-28T11:25:00.003-05:00

We're almost one month into the official school year. How is school going for your son?

Whether you homeschool or send your kids to a public or private school, it's a good idea to periodically take stock and see what's working -- and what's not -- regarding your sons' education. Some things to look at:

Your sons' mood: How are your sons after school or lessons? All in all, are they content and energized? Or are they spent and depleted? Overall, are they expressing positive emotions toward school and learning, or has their outlook toward class and/or learning become increasingly negative?
Your sons' curiosity: How curious is your son about the world? Does he remain interested in a few special subjects? (Some boys love robots; mine happen to love fishing, sports and RC cars.) Or is he becoming apathetic? A lack of interest in things -- especially things he once loved -- can signal trouble.
Your mood: How are you doing? Are you getting enough sleep? Do you feel generally content and satisfied with your current educational arrangement, or do you frequently feel frustrated, overwhelmed or powerless? Your feelings matter too.
Family flow: Is your educational choice working for your family? By now, your family should have settled into some kind of school routine. Is it working for you? Or do you constantly feel like you're engaged in an uphill battle?
Engagement in learning: Don't get overly excited (or concerned) about what your sons have (or have not) learned so far this year. Instead, check his engagement. Whatever your doing, does your son seem interested and engaged in the learning process? Or is he pulling further and further away from lessons and learning?

If you notice problems in any of these areas, it might be time to make some changes. Does your son need additional help at school? Perhaps the homeschooling curriculum that looked so good on paper isn't working out so well in real life. Maybe it's time to ditch it and try something else.

Be alert for emotional challenges at school as well. There's been a lot of attention to bullying lately, but sadly, it remains a problem and reality for many kids. No child will remain enthusiastic about a learning environment that damages his soul. If bullying is a problem for your son, step in -- now. You can find some great tips from the Mayo Clinic here.

This year, we made some major educational changes. Boys #2-4 are now enrolled in our local public school full-time. That's a big change for a family that's practiced relaxed homeschooling for the past 6-and-a-half years! But you know what? It's working so far.

Boy #4, age 5, comes home from kindergarten each day bubbling with information and activity. When I pick him up at school, he calls out "good-bye!" to about a dozen kids. Every day, he's eager to show me what he's learned.

Boys #2 and 3 are at our local middle school. Like many kids, their favorite subjects include Gym and Recess. Almost daily, they'll talk about their exploits on the playground. And while there have been some playground challenges -- Boy #3 doesn't like the fact that the kids tend to bicker more than they actually play -- neither child is bothered enough to step away from the activity. Both have made friends; nearly every day, at least one friend from school comes over to play. Both boys also remain surprisingly enthusiastic about reading. They need to read a certain number of minutes each day -- but the best part is that both seem to thoroughly enjoy the books they read.

Boy #1 continues to be homeschooled, but blends his home education with two formal classes at school (Integrated Language Arts and Science), vocal lessons, show choir, acting and fishing. He also writes for an outdoors website, hookandbullet.com. He, too, seems generally content with his educational arrangement.

And I now have some time to breathe. While I will forever value our years of homeschooling, homeschooling on my own over the past two years was HARD. The hard part: trying to find enough time for my kids while also earning a family supporting income. I did it, but my own health and well-being suffered. (See Bullet Point #3) It was time for a change. And while I'll continue to monitor my sons' learning and education, for now, our unconventional choice seems the best choice for us.

How are things in your home? Is your educational choice working out, or is it time to make some changes?

Is SpongeBob a Bad Influence?

2011-09-13T09:31:00.002-05:00

He's just a made-up cartoon character, a squarish-sponge in shorts who lives under the sea, flips burgers for a living and interacts with a squirrel in an astronaut-like helmet. But boy, has SpongeBob been making a splash!

Yesterday, the esteemed medical journal Pediatrics released a study that showed that preschoolers have decreased brain power after watching just nine minutes of SpongeBob. According to the study (which I covered for iVillage), the fast-pace of SpongeBob, combined with the fantastical setting and plot, might tax preschoolers' brains to the point that they have little left after the show for problem solving and delaying gratification.

So does that mean your sons should never watch SpongeBob?

I don't think so.

Like him or not, SpongeBob is a major cultural touchstone for young kids. If you choose not to expose your kids to SpongeBob and his ilk, I completely respect your decision. But I also think there's something to be said for letting your kids know what the hoopla is all about.

While the Pediatrics study is being played for headlines (and yes, I'm guilty of it too), it also contained some great, commonsense takeaway messages. Among them:

TV shows -- even TV shows for kids -- vary greatly. TV isn't inherently good or bad. A vast gulf exists between, say, Spongebob and Sid the Science Kid. Both are animated. Both are aimed at kids. But even the creators of shows will tell you that the shows have very different purposes. SpongeBob was designed to entertain older kids. Sid the Science Kids is designed to encourage preschooler's scientific curiosity.
Different TV shows have different effects on kids' behavior. The Pediatrics study compared the thinking and behavior of kids who watched SpongeBob with that of kids who watched a "realistic Public Broadcasting Service cartoon about a typical US preschool-aged boy" and kids who spent the same time period drawing. The kids who watched SpongeBob performed the worst on tests designed to measure kids' "executive function" (higher level cognitive tasks). The takeway for parents, at least as far as I'm concerned: Be mindful of the effects of TV on your kids. If you find your sons' behavior deteriorating after certain TV shows, sit down and watch the show with your kids. Is it really appropriate for your kids? Maybe it's time to tweak their TV viewing habits a bit.
Select shows with your kids' age and interests in mind. Nickelodeon, home of SpongeBob, came out forcefully against the study, arguing the SpongeBob wasn't designed for preschoolers in the first place. They're right. But let's face it: if you have older kids in the house, your younger ones will likely be exposed to shows aimed at an older audience. I don't fret if my younger kids spend some time watching SpongeBob or iCarly with their older brothers, but I do attempt to offset that time by making sure they get time to watch age-appropriate shows like Martha Speaks and Wild Kratts.

Some other thoughts re kids and TV:

Provide balance. Yes, my kids watch SpongeBob. They also watch American Pickers and Ice Road Truckers and historical and nature documentaries.
Be open to life lessons in surprising places. Fellow writer and parent Geoff Williams penned a great business article a few years ago entitled "5 Things SpongeBob Squarepants Can Teach You About Business." You -- and authors of the Pediatrics study -- might not think of SpongeBob as a business expert, but if you look closely, you can gleam some actual business wisdom from the show. You and your kids can even learn some life lessons from SpongeBob and his crew.
Talk about it! Kids need adults to help put things in context. But please don't lecture your children. Listen first. Talk to them about their favorite TV shows. Ask them what they like about the show. (It might not be what you think.) Watch with them. Then, ever so naturally, talk about the show. If something bugs you, say so -- and why. If a character does something you like, say so and why. Engage your kids in the conversation.

What do you think of SpongeBob and the Pediatrics study? Do you have any other useful tips re kids and TV?

Characteristics of Homeschooling Families

2011-09-09T09:23:00.001-05:00

Have I mentioned the fact that I'm blogging for The Homeschool Classroom this year?

My first post, 7 Characteristics of Homeschooling Families, went live yesterday. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Boys Don't Want to Discuss Problems

2011-09-07T11:36:00.004-05:00

Did you see the recent study that examined boys' and girls' thoughts and opinions regarding problem sharing?

The first line of a related news article elicited a strong, "No duh!" response from me. Check it out:

"A new University of Missouri study finds that boys feel that discussing problems is a waste of time."

As a mom of four boys and the ex-spouse of one overgrown boy, I can confirm for you with absolute certainty that the above statement is true. I'll also safely hazard a guess and say that you're most likely not exactly surprised by the study's findings either.

But if you dig further into the study and associated news reports, you'll find some nuggets of information that are useful for parenting boys.

For years, the study authors said, psychologists have advocated creating "safe spaces" for men and boys to talk about their problems -- but the real problem may actually be that much of the male population sees no benefit in talking through problems.

So where does that leave us, as parents?

Well, I've learned that I need to erase the idea of talking as a panacea. Boys (and men) generally don't find as much solace and support in verbally sharing their problems as girls (and women) do. On a day-to-day level, this means that the odds of one of my sons pouring out his heart to me because he felt slighted by a friend are minimal, at best. That doesn't mean that my sons might not be hurt by their friends' actions or inactions; it just means that my boys are more likely to express their distress in other ways.

It means that I need to let go of the rejected feeling I sometimes experience when my boys rebuff my attempts to discuss their problems.

It also means that I, a mother of future men, need to teach my sons the value of talking through problems. They may never consider sharing their problems verbally to be emotionally therapeutic, but at the very least, I want my sons to learn that talking can be a good way to identify the root causes of problems, to brainstorm possible solutions and to problem solve.

I also want my sons to know that there are times when verbally expressing feelings is preferable to physically expressing them. In other words, I want my sons to learn that saying, "I'm upset because Joe ignored me at lunch today," is much more productive than stomping around the house or hitting their brothers.

It's a tough row to hoe. Our society programs girls to accept emotions and to talk through problems; it expects our sons to be strong and stoic. I'm working against cultural conditioning, and years of male indoctrination.

But I want to teach my sons that there are other ways of being male. I want them to know that being male doesn't have to equal denying your emotions and suppressing your inner thoughts. I want boys who feel safe being boys, but who are also unafraid to act against male stereotypes.

How about you? Will you join me?

The Best School For Your Boy

2011-08-24T11:24:00.004-05:00

If school choice is fluid -- and no one educational choice is "the best" -- how exactly do you go about finding the best school for your son?

That's really the million dollar question, isn't it?

We've talked previously about the fact that there is no one-size-fits-all answer to the education question. And we've covered the fact that what works for your son today (homeschooling, public school, etc.) may not work next year. We've also talked extensively about the fact that boys tend to learn differently than girls.

Now author Peg Tyre, perhaps best known for her book The Trouble With Boys, provides parents with some basic guidelines to use when evaluating educational options. In her latest book, The Good School, Tyre says that parents should look at the relationship between teacher and students, the general intellectual environment (does it include plenty of words? everyday references to mathematical concepts?) and school playgrounds.

In an interview with TIME magazine,Tyre advises parents to avoid schools without playgronds. She says, "kids need downtime — a break from the rigor" and recommends twenty minutes of recess a day, "at least."

Tyre also says that test scores have been over-emphasized in the past. (The TIME magazine article says, "Standardized tests only measure about a third of the curriculum that should be being taught in the school, which means if the school is only teaching the test material, your child is missing out on a lot.")

Instead of focusing on a school's standardized test scores, look at what's really going on in the classroom. Are the students connecting with the teacher? Excited about learning? Involved in their education? If so, odds are good that there's a lot of learning happening in the classroom.

Tyre also suggest looking past labels. A private school may not be better than a public school, and a charter school is not necessarily better (or worse) than any other school.

Bottom line:

Know your son. Is your son a hands-on learner? Does he require lots of quiet time to absorb a concept, or does he do best in an active setting? Knowing your son's likes, dislikes and learning style can help you select an academic environment that fits his needs.

Let go of your preconceived notions. You might have grown up believing that private school is the way to go, but that doesn't mean that the private school in your neighborhood will be the best fit for your son or your family. Open your mind and expand your options.

Insist on activity. Boys (and girls) absolutely, positively must move around during the day. They also need time for free play.

Words matter. One of the biggest determinants of academic success is the size of a child's vocabularly on entrance to kindergarten. So don't be afraid to use big words at home -- and don't shy away from schools or teacher who introduce complex subjects to small kids (in an age-appropriate manner, of course).

Relationships matter! Tyre's #1 tip (in the TIME article) is that the relationship between teacher and student is prime, especially in preschool. You know what that means? If you're considering homeschooling your child, but hesitate because you feel unqualified, consider taking the leap. In the early years, the relationship between teacher and student is paramount -- and what could be closer than the relationship between parent and child? (If, however, homeschooling is putting a strain on your relationship, it might be time to investigate other educational alternatives.)

Think about your needs. For a lot of years, I neglected my needs in favor of what I considered best for my boys. I'm learning to see, though, that a stressed-out, stretched-to-the-limit homeschooling mom may not be in my boys' best interests. I need to sleep, rest and work, and that's OK. So don't feel obligated to drive an hour across town to the "best" school. If it doesn't work for you, it doesn't work for your family.

Education -- and the Best Choice for YOUR Family

2011-08-15T11:21:00.004-05:00

I admire Meagan Francis. She's a mom of five kids, a writer, an author, a blogger and an all-around happy person. Her latest book (and blog), The Happiest Mom, is designed to help moms enjoy life and motherhood. As Meagan says," Happy. Mother. You really can use both words in the same sentence."

Her latest blog post, though, hit me in a way that few posts ever do. In "School Choices and the Ideal Mother," Meagan details her struggles to find the "perfect education" for her children, and gives moms everywhere the right to make the decision that best suits their family.

From the responses she's been receiving, it seems that a lot of parents need to hear that message.

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you may know that I'm a big proponent of homeschooling. But that doesn't mean that I think institutional education is evil. I think that each family needs to make the choices that best fit the needs of that family. Note that I said "family," and not "children." One of Meagan's major points is that the health and needs of the parents need to be considered also.

That can be a radical message for some parents. It's really, really easy to lose sightof your needs in your quest to satify your children's. But it's not only OK to consider your needs; it's absolutely essential.

And here's the other thing: The "right" educational choice can evolve over time as a family's needs change. Educating your family isn't a matter of choosing homeschooling over institutional schooling or private school vs. public school. No matter how carefully you make your decision, it's entirely likely that your child -- and your family -- will experience a variety of educational settings before the children take their place in the adult world.

In other words: It's OK to homeschool now. And to enroll your kid in school in a few years if that's what makes sense for you and your family. It's even OK to decide to homeshool him again later for his last year of high school, if that's what works.

Of course, the reverse remains true as well. It's OK to start your child in school, and then pull him out later if school isn't working for some reason. It's also OK to homeschool one kid and enroll the rest in school.

The bottom line is that you (and your spouse or partner, if you have one) are the only person who can decide at any given point in time what educational option is "best" for your family. My opinion doesn't matter. (Although I'm more than happy to provide information and resources!) Meagan's opinion doesn't matter. Neither does your mother-in-law's or the school prinicpal's or your local politician's.

So as this school year approaches, I enourage you to think long and hard about the educational choices available to your family. Then take a moment, if you will, to express some silent gratitude for those choices.

Finally, relieve the pressure. Let go of any lingering guilt. The educational choices you make this year -- this week, or next, or even next month -- are not permanent. You make a choice, you live with it, you see how it goes. It if works, great! If not, make another choice -- but don't beat yourself up for Choice #1. The best any of us can do is to respond to situations as they arise.

What educational choices are you making this year? Any changes from years past?

Creative Clutter

2011-07-27T17:24:00.006-05:00

Are there blocks scattered about your living room? Random pieces of wood and nails on your garage floor?

Before you holler, take a deep breath and read this post. (I know -- the odds of you having your computer in the garage with you at this very moment are slim to none, but bear with me.)

This week, I'm teaching a class called, "Unleash Your Creativity." It's part of a special week of arts programing for adults (I like to call it "summer camp for grown-ups"), and my piece of it emphasizes the creative process. In my class, we don't create masterpieces; we play. Literally. Monday we colored with crayons. Yesterday, we sculpted with playdough and modeling clay. And today, we created cards out of paper, fabric, wallpaper and glue.

The point is to take people back in time to a place where it was safe to create. As children, most of us had no problem whatsoever reeling off a story or drawing a picture. But ask most adults to write a story and they'll say, "Oh. No. I'm not very good at that," because somewhere along the line they've gotten the message that creativity is for talented people only. And that they're not very talented.

In class, we're learning that creativity takes time and space, and that it's occasionally messy. (I spilled gold glitter down the front of my shirt!) Our project today involved mounds of material. The center of each table was heaped with supplies: fabric scraps, sheets of wallpaper, cardstock, glue, scissors, glitter and more. It was colorful, chaotic and oh so creative.

At the end of class, my students asked whether they should help put the supplies away or leave them out for the mini-creativity classes I'm teaching tonight. I told them to leave them out. That's when I learned about creative clutter.

One of my students is a feng shui consultant. Earlier in the class, she agreed with me when I said that clutter can be a barrier to creativity. All of my students are women, and women, particularly, are prone to putting off creation when piles of "shoulds" surround them. But this clutter, she said, gesturing toward the colorful piles, was good clutter. This kind of "mess," she said, invites creative energy.

Think about that.

Now think about the blocks on the living room floor. Or the wood and nails in the garage. Yes, it's possible that your sons' simply forgot to put things away. (Or that they left them there on purpose, hoping that the magic pick-up genie would appear.) But isn't it also possible that they were interrupted in the middle of creation? That their creative energies were used up for the day, but that they're not quite done with whatever burst of creativity they were experiencing?

When my boys are in the "zone" (and I can recognize the zone by their intense concentration and interest in a project), I let the mess linger. Case in point: cardboard boxes. Like many boys, mine are fascinated with large cardboard boxes. They've made clubhouses, snowmobiles, cars and rockets from boxes. Generally, the play takes more than one day. So I walk around boxes, markers and random cardboard shavings for days, 'til the boys' interest moves onto something else.

Yes, it's inconvenient. Yes, my house appears cluttered. No, my house will not be selected for a centerfold appearance in House Beautiful anytime in the near future. But that's OK. I'd much rather have my boys experience the joy of creativity.

And if that doesn't convince you to let the "mess" go, release responsibility to my feng shui consultant. She said it's OK, so please let your boys create.

The Importance of Encouragement

2011-07-17T22:49:00.003-05:00

You know that supporting your kids -- financially, emotionally, logistically -- is an important part of parenthood. But have you ever pondered the importance of support to parents?

Parenting isn't easy. Life with four active, free-thinking sons is three-quarters chaos and one-quarter conflict, with the occasional cuddle thrown in for good measure. Don't get me wrong: they're good kids, and I'm a pretty good mom. But as you well know, parenting is continual process. You can't just tell your son, "Please be quiet in church" once and expect that he'll abide by that directive for the rest of his life. You have to say it again and again and again. You have to be willing to go to church on a semi-consistent basis with less-than-willing children. You have to somehow model restraint and proper behavior when what you really want to do is throttle the three-foot high person next to you. And you need to be prepared to issue consequences for unacceptable behavior, even though you know that stating said consequence will result in a brief escalation of an already unpleasant situation.

I get tired just typing it.

Friday night was one of THOSE NIGHTs in our household. We'd gone to a 4H dinner, a casual event attended by many sponsors of 4H -- many of whom just happen to be elderly people. And my boys were, well, boys. They laughed loudly. They got up and down off their chairs. They told fart jokes. They got into squabbles with one another that required re-direction. But in the midst of all that, our county director leaned over to me and said (with a smile on her face!), "I just love your boys' enthusiasm!"

Is it any wonder we love 4H?

Today, in church, a similar incident: Instead of commenting on my younger boys' constant trips to the bathroom or Boy #4's slight meltdown during the second half of church, the pastor complimented ME. "I think it's so great that you come to church with four boys," she said. She knows it's not easy, but recognized my effort, and that made me feel, well, proud.

Parenthood can, at times, seem like a thankless slog. We can spend days (weeks!) without any measurable forward progress. So it means the world -- at least to me -- when another parent compliments my parenting or recognizes my efforts.

This week, I ask you to remember the importance of encouragement. I want you to reach out to other parents around you -- to your friends, your neighbors, even the woman on the bus next to you -- and offer some kind words. Then come back here and tell me about your experience. I can't wait to hear from you!

Circumcision Ban?

2011-07-12T17:18:00.006-05:00

For years, the decision whether or not to circumcise a boy has been a private matter. Sometimes, religion gets involved, but when you come right down to it (ha!), the decision to circumcise or not is made by mom and dad.

Voters in San Francisco may soon take the decision out of parents' hands. According to the L.A. Times, a November referendum will seek to ban the procedure. Proponents of the ban -- self-described "intactivists" -- argue that male circumcision is the equivalent of female genital mutilation, which is outlawed in the United States. They also state that there's no convincing medical reason for circumcision, at least not here in the developed world.

Opponents of the ban, including rabbis and concerned parents, contend that the ban would infringe upon personal and religious freedom. They point to studies that note decreased HIV and HPV infection rates in circumcised men. And --somewhat desperately -- they note that "90% [of nurses surveyed on a geriatric unit ] were strongly in favor of circumcision because it was difficult to bathe uncircumcised men in their 90s."

Ok. My bias is going to show at this point.

I've been a nurse in a geriatric unit. I've bathed men in their 90s. I even assisted on a bedside-circumcision of a man in his 90s. (He needed the circ because his foreskin had adhered to his penis and would not allow the passage of a catheter, which was needed for medical reasons.) But to say we should base a medical decision affecting a baby on what might happen to in his 90s?? That's stretching things.

Circumcision rates have been dropping in this country. According to the CDC, 56% of baby boys were circumcised in 2006. In 2009, that number was only 32.5%. (Note: that statistic does not include circumcisions performed out of hospitals, such as a bris.) If the ban goes through in San Francisco, the number will be even lower.

Personally, I'm pretty clearly anti-circumcision. (Despite the fact that I wrote a blog post called 'Another Reason You Might Circumcise,' I clearly stated that even given the new research, I would refuse to have my sons circumcised.) As a homeschooler, though, I'm also anti-government intervention into families' lives. HOWEVER...it occurs to me that the circumcision ban isn't a matter of denying parents their rights as much as it is protecting a human who is unable to speak for himself.

What do you think of the proposed circumcision ban?

Camping with Kids

2011-07-08T10:00:00.003-05:00

Last weekend, the boys and I went camping at a beautiful state park. It was hotter-than-you-know-what, but we had a great time! We spent the majority of our days down by the lake -- swimming, paddleboating, kayaking, playing in the sand and otherwise enjoying a slower pace of life. We also hiked to a waterfall and traipsed up and down the rocky hillsides along the creek. We caught lightning bugs, listened to a variety of different languages and toured a cave. All in all, it was a perfect, boy-friendly getaway.

That's not to say it was easy. Camping with kids is a lot of work. There's the packing, loading, unpacking, setting up, taking down -- and laundry once you get home. Not to mention the seems-like-constant-bickering of four boys in close proximity.

Still? Totally worth it.

I'm far from an experienced camper -- this was only our third outing -- but I've learned that my boys do better when they're allowed to contribute to the workload. Boy #2 was my master packer. He's always loved playing with block and is an expert at spatial relationships, so he took on the job of loading the van. It was his job to cram everything in -- and he did a great job!

All of my boys gathered wood for the campfire. They love to explore, so while I was setting up the tent, they took off in search of firewood. Soon, they returned with some fallen-down limbs and birch bark. (Did you know that birch bark is great for starting fires?) Thrilled by their finds, I sent them back for more birch bark. They returned with 8- to 10-foot fallen birch branches. So while I continued setting up the campsite, the boys took turns with the hatchet, chopping the birch into more manageable pieces.

Yes, hatchet. Last year, I bought a hatchet for use on our camping trips, and it's proved to be one of our most useful camping tools. It keeps the boys busy for hours! Certainly, I supervise its use, and I teach them the basics of tool safety before they get to use it. But they LOVE to chop wood! Boys like to feel useful, and chopping wood is (in their eyes) a fun way to contribute to the well-being of the family. Plus, they like hacking at and burning things.

If you're planning a camping trip with kids:

Bring snacks. Nothing says camping like smores.
Let them get dirty. Because it was so hot, my boys lived in their swim trunks for three days. The little two also refused to wash their faces on the grounds that we were camping. I let them stay dirty.
Have the kids pack some diversions. My boys packed scooters and raced up and down the path to the bathroom. They also packed their baseball equipment and played a bit in the open area behind our campground.
Be a stickler about safety. Yes, I let my boys use a hatchet. And the oldest two start campfires (under supervision). But when you're in the woods, on the lake or around a campfire, you can't let down your guard. Insist on life jackets while boating, teach your kids about poison ivy and enforce a do-not-enter zone around the campfire.
Explore! Every state park or campground is different. We made it a point to see the waterfall that's a highlight of this particular park, but I also let the kids explore the area around our campground on their own.
Don't push learning; let it happen. I certainly don't carry lesson plans into the woods. But I am aware of all the natural learning that happens when out in nature. Observe the flora and fauna. Discuss the similarities and differences of the local environment with your home zone. Follow your kids' interests.
Allow for some independence. Camping means close quarters, and not all kids do well with that. Older kids, especially, may appreciate some time to pursue their interests independently. My 13-yr-old spent hours out fishing on the lake, alone.
Involve the kids in the work. Younger kids can help collect sticks and fetch water. Older kids can plan meals and help with the set-up and take down.

What are some of your best tips for camping with kids?

What Kids Need to Learn

2011-07-06T22:30:00.003-05:00

On March 30, in response to a Boston Globe article about kids and learning, I wrote, "What kids need to learn is 1. Time, 2. Space, 3. Access to Materials and 4. Support. They also need Freedom to Explore." I dubbed this the "time-space-access-support-freedom framework for learning."

I wrote that blog post based entirely on my own experiences and observations. I have seen, time and again, how my own children (and others) learn amazing things when left to their own devices in an enriching environment -- especially when there's an adult nearby to build on their interest and enthusiasm.

Flash forward to today. I'm in the midst of researching an article about scientific thinking in young children when these sentences catch my eye:

An environment that fosters scientific thiking is one that gives young children the time, space, and materials to exercise their curiosity. It also gives them the freedom to engage in child-centered explorations, experimentations, and explanations.

Those sentences, authored by Ruth Wilson, PhD, are part of a larger article entitled, "Promoting the Development of Scientific Thinking." They also echo my earlier sentiments exactly.

So...

Let your son splash in the tub. Toss in some old plastic containers as well.

Catch bugs with him. Talk about what they eat and where they live.

Let him play in the dirt. He'll find rocks and worms and bugs and a million other things to ponder.

Tolerate experimentation in the kitchen. My boys have mixed together some pretty nasty concotions, but learned a ton in the process.

Buy balloons. And magnets. Magnifying glasses too. Let your sons play with them.

Stop cringing when your son brings home critters. Let him observe and care for his catches briefly (if possible). Then help him figure out an appropriate habitat for said critters.

Encourage collections. I know -- you probably have too many rocks in the house already. But young boys learn by observing, comparing and classifying.

What are some of your favorite ways to encourage learning?

Keeping Boys Busy

2011-07-05T16:13:00.003-05:00

Are your boys driving you crazy yet? (More than the usual crazy, I mean.)

Summer is a challenging time for many parents, especially working parents who are used to sending their kids to school all day. Homeschool parents, in general, are used to having their kids around, but they too face a new set of challenges in the summer. Institutionally-schooled kids, for instance, are around -- which may or may not be a good thing, depending on your neighborhood.

As a homeschooling, single mom, I'm well aware of the challenges on both sides of the spectrum. I completely, 100% get the desire to sign your kid up for every single available activity, just so he'll be out of the house. I need time to work, and it's hard to work with kids underfoot. But I also know that signing the boys up for activities they hate won't help their development one bit. So I refuse to sign the boys up for summer school "just because," even though it's a childcare steal. ($20 for four weeks of five-day a week, 8-12 education/babysitting.)

That said, it's hard to keep the boys busy. I'm not anti-TV or computer, but I don't want to the kids sitting in front of a screen eight hours a day. So what do we do for fun?

I need activites that 1) keep the boys engaged for hours and 2) take up little of my time. With those criteria in mind, I created this Keep Your Kids Occupied in the Summer article for healthline.com. My five top keep-'em-busy ideas are:

Birdwatching. While none of my kids are avid bird watchers, this idea was inspired by Boy #2's previous passion for butterflies. That kid spent two whole summers catching and categorizing butterflies, and the rest of us thoroughly enjoyed his hobby as well.

Gardening. My boys have been gardening with their dad for years. My oldest, age 13, has been selling produce at our local farmers' market for about that long. This year, for the first time, I planted a a garden behind my house with my five-year-old. It's not much, but he sure has fun watching our plants grow!

Building. Some parents are understandably leery about letting their boys work with tools, but few things occupy my boys' hands and minds as well as a building project. Boy #4, age 5, recently built his very own boat! (I'll post a picture later.)

Messy Art Party. This idea -- which involves a fair amount of parental prep -- is great way to get boys interested in the arts. What better way to introduce art and artists than to let your boys get dirty?

Bowling. Have you signed up for Kids Bowl Free yet? If not, do! It's not entirely free (you still need to spring for bowling shoes), but it's a great option for rainy days. We've already gone once this summer.

What about you? What are some your favorite keep-'em-busy activities?

Teaching Boys to Write

2011-06-24T10:58:00.002-05:00

I've had some computer issues lately. (If three out of four computer crashing at approximately the same time counts as "some computer issues.") Needless to say, I've been away from the blog, because it's pretty hard to blog while facing the blue screen of death!

But I'm back now, and determined to make this blog better than ever. One thing I'll be adding: more video content. So on that note, let me introduce my first video clip, an excerpt of my 2011 Homeschooling Boys presentation at the Wisconsin Parents Association Conference.

Parenting in Public

2011-05-25T09:07:00.004-05:00

My parenting convictions were put to the test a few weeks ago.

The boys and I had traveled to the Wisconsin Parents Association conference, an annual event that that refreshes, recharges and re-energizes me. I'd agreed to present three sessions at the conference: Homeschooling Boys, Let's Make Paper Airplanes and Boundless Energy: Dealing with Boy Energy. The first two were sessions I'd done before. Boundless Energy was a new one for me, created as a direct response to comments and questions from participants who attended my Homeschooling Boys session last year.

How, they wondered, does one productively co-exist with a boy (or boys) who seem to have a constant need for movement?

So this year, we talked. We agreed that boys' desire and drive for movement is not a bad thing, and that part of our job, as parents, is helping them find outlets for their energy. Our room was a testament to our beliefs: As I led the discussion, my 5-yr-old son practiced handstands at the side of the room with another boy. No one minded. We understood that the boys need to move, that they relate and build relationships through physical interactions.

But what about other, less-friendly circumstances? While we all felt quite comfortable letting our boys be boys in the safe confines of our classroom, a number of the moms expressed frustration with pre-existing playgroups back home, playgroups where their sons are judged for wanting to play lightsabers over tea party.

The experienced moms in the room talked about the need to "find your tribe," to find a network of friends and families who understand boys' predilection to play fighting and physical activity. But the deep down question remained: How do you, as a parent, balance your sons' needs for physical activity with societal expectations? How do you handle mealtimes? Social outings? It's one thing to tolerate jumping off the couch at home; it's another thing to let your sons run rampant at the public museum.

I shared my personal reality. At home, my boys rarely sit through a meal. My 10-yr-old is prone to eating on his feet; he's still my Most Likely to Fall Off a Chair for No Apparent Reason. My 8-yr-old constantly rocks his chair and all of my boys are more than happy to leap up from the table to peer out the window. And often, I let it go. I reinforce proper behavior, but I know that expecting my four boys, ages 5 to 13, to eat every meal while seated properly is a bit beyond their current capabilities. So I tolerate a certain amount of physical movement during a meal. I know that my sons are quite capable of adapting their behavior to the situation (even at this age, they understand the difference between lunch at home and Christmas dinner at Grandma's), and that their behavior will change as they grow.

But at lunch that day, in the cafeteria, my convictions were tested. Boy #4, age 5, finished eating long before the rest of us. He started turning circles 'round the column next to our table. I had a choice: I could deny his natural need for movement and shame him into his seat. Or I could tolerate his non-intrusive behavior.

I chose Choice #2, acutely aware that my actual parenting would speak far more than any words I spoke in the classroom. At the same time, I was acutely aware of fear that plagues so many boy-parents: the fear that we will be judged as inadequate or ineffective parents for letting our sons be boys.

So talk. Discuss. How do you handle parenting in public? Are you fearful of judgement? Does that fear affect your parenting?

Mother's Day for Moms of Boys

2011-05-08T17:35:00.003-05:00

I got this card in the mail today -- from a Mom friend who really gets it.

Inside the card, it reads "Raising boys -- now THAT'S an extreme sport!"

Happy Mother's Day to my fellow Moms of boys!

Star Wars Day

2011-05-04T09:13:00.003-05:00

Today is Star Wars Day. Don't get it? Say the date. Out loud. With a "the" between "May" and "4th". Add a "be with you on the end."

My boys, like many others, are Star Wars buffs. (In fact, my very first blog post was about light sabers.) We learned about the holiday by accident last year -- and celebrated by taking the kids to the park so they could have an epic light saber battle with other homeschooled kids. To the untrained eye, our children might have looked like a bunch of Star Wars crazed kids running amok through the woods in the middle of a school day. But our kids were learning, really and truly learning.

They were learning cooperation and leadership. Their imaginations were completely engaged. On the spot, they were crafting an enormously complex storyline, complete with characters and plot twists. They were also definitely getting their fill of physical activity. Running through the woods, swinging a light saber, is hard work!

If your son is a Star Wars fanatic, consider sprinkling some Star Wars themed learning into his day today. I posted a couple ideas on Twitter today. (Find me @jlwf) You can also:

Head to the library and check out Star Wars books. There is something for every age and interest, from Easy Readers to chapter books. You can also find books about the weaponry, spaceships, special effects, etc.
Watch the movies. Start with Epidsode 1: The Phantom Menace, or Episode 4: A New Hope, the original 1977 movie that will forever remain "the first Star Wars movie" in my head. The order doesn't matter. Spending time with your kids, digging into their passion, is what matters.
Discuss/write about the systems of government in Star Wars. The Federation, the Senate...there's a lot of Social Studies and politics in Star Wars. Compare and contrast the various systems of government in the the Stars Wars universe with those in your own backyard.
Study the science. Cloning is big in Star Wars. (Clone troopers, anyone?) Dig into the science behind the science-fiction. Talk to your kids about Dolly, the cloned sheep. (Watch a fun video here.) Ask their opinions about the ethics involved.
Draw/paint scenes from the movie. One of the best things about Star Wars is that it's boy AND girl friendly. Boys typically prefer to draw action; they love weapons and spacecraft. Girls may prefer to focus on characters or costumes. (Remember, these are just generalizations. Some boys prefer costumes and some girls are all about the light sabers.)
Let Yoda teach grammar. Yoda, Luke's tiny yet powerful Jedi Master, can teach your kids a thing or two about the English language. Think not, do you? Check out this Analysis of Yodish.

Do you have any other fun, Star Wars-related learning ideas? I'd love to hear them! What are you doing for Star Wars Day?

Boy Energy

2011-05-03T21:03:00.002-05:00

I'll be speaking at the Wisconsin Parents Association conference in Oshkosh this weekend, reprising last year's Homeschooling Boys session. I'll also be presenting a new session, Boundless Energy: Understanding (and Respecting) Boys' Need for Movement.

Boys, as you well know, are built for action. Staying still is not their strong suit; jumping off couches is more their speed. But that nearly constant craving for activity can wear out even the most tolerant mom. My boys get away with a lot of stuff (see picture), but at some point, even I want to turn around and yell, "Stop!"

How do you cope with your sons' energy? Do you have any tips to help boys settle down and complete their assigned school work? Or do you eschew sit-down school work all together and plan innovative, active lessons? How do YOU help your boys learn? I'd love to share your comments, thoughts and ideas at my session this weekend.

Moms Should Get Paid

2011-04-04T08:49:00.003-05:00

Out of nowhere the other night, my 8-year-old son looked up at me and said, "I think moms should get paid." You think moms should be get paid, I asked. How come?

Because, he said, moms make the babies, and babies, if you train them right, grow up into smart people and without smart people, there wouldn't be a world.

Can I just say that my heart melted in that minute? My 8-year-old son, the one who just minutes prior was watching American Idol and tormenting his brothers, GETS IT. My 8-year-old son intuitively understands the value of mothers.

We live in a culture that pays lip service to the importance of moms and motherhood. Everyone, from teachers to clergy to the average Joe on the street, seems to understand that what happens at home is far more important than what happens in school or elsewhere, but few people want to provide support to parents. And I'm not necessarily talking financial support (although it's clear that my son was). I'm talking support: Valuing and recognizing the family's contributions to society, advocating for and creating jobs that allow parents to contribute to the economy without neglecting their responsiblities to their children, structures that provide parents with the inspiration and tools they need to become good parents and supportive networks of people who will share the realities and burdens of parenting with those in the trenches.

That kind of support for parenting -- much less economic support -- is sadly lacking in many communities. Yet my 8-year-old hit the nail on the head: Good parents create good kids. Good kids make the world go 'round.

On some level, my kid even understood the economic value of a parent. Nuture a kid's brain and interests now, and later that kid may contribute something great to their society. William Kamkwamba brought power to his village.

That kind of economic contribution of parents is overlooked by our society, and more often that not, it's mothers that pay the price. As Ann Crittenden points out in her book, The Price of Motherhood, mothers are still far more likely than fathers to take time out of the workforce, to work part-time in order to care for their children, or to select lower-paying, no benefit jobs that allow them time to parent. As a result, women, in general, make far less money during their lifetimes -- and have far less retirement income.

My 8-year-old, in some small way, understands that it's wrong for mothers to suffer economically for their devotion to their children. I can only hope that others of his generation eventually come to the same realization and work together to create a society that truly values the contributions of the family.

"Teaching Too Much Can Stifle Exploration"

2011-03-30T10:51:00.004-05:00

Have you seen the Boston Globe article about how babies learn?

The March 28 article, "A Squeeze, a Squeak, a Glimpse of Learning," provides fascinating insight into how young children learn -- and why, perhaps, our schools aren't as effective as they could be. In one interesting study, researchers handed preschoolers a complex cause-and-effect toy. Researchers showed half the kids how the device worked; the other kids were simply left to figure out the toy on their own. Guess which kids investigated the toy more thoroughly?

From the article:

Those who were explicitly taught how to make the toy squeak played with it for less time and discovered fewer functions than those who did not receive a tutorial. How children learned that the toy squeaked also affected their behavior. When the adult seemed to accidentally trigger the squeak instead of explicitly showing them how to use the toy, children explored more and discovered more aspects of the toy than when they received instructions.

The Globe says that, "teaching can...limit children's impulse to investigate and test their own ideas, and how something is taught to a child can affect his or her exploration." Is it any wonder that children who are force-fed knowledge for state-mandated tests show very little curiosity or true learning? By giving them the answers, we've taken away all the fun!

Children are, by nature, curious learners. From little on, they're constantly investigating the possibilities. They're driven, instinctively, to learn how the world works. So they invent experiments (What will happen if I mix my mashed potatoes into my milk?), observe the results and adjust their knowledge of the world accordingly. What kids need to learn is 1. Time, 2. Space, 3. Access to Materials and 4. Support. They also need Freedom to Explore, because once you've squashed a child's natural inquisitivenss, it's pretty hard to re-capture.

Interestingly, the time-space-access-support-freedom framework for learning is common -- but not exclusive to -- homeschoolers. Sandra Dodd, an unschooler, has frequently said that "strewing," leaving interesting things about, is an important part of her homeschooling. My homeschooling is much more along the lines of going interesting places/reading about interesting things/doing stuff with the boys than stuffing specific knowledge in their skulls. And the best schools seem to understand that allowing children to discover knowledge on their own is much more effective than rote learning. One thing I've been pleased to see at the schools my boys attend part-time: multi-sensory, project-based approaches to learning. My oldest son, for instance, learns language arts while also learning about civil rights. My second son's teacher will give students multiple options (act out a play, write summary, create a character) to demonstrate their learning.

What do you think of the time-space-access-support-freedom framework for learning?

I Feel Pretty

2011-03-28T10:08:00.004-05:00

My 13- year-old son is wearing my prom dress, a pink, sparkly thing straight out of the 1990s.

For some reason, my Mom held onto that dress for 20+ years. It hung in her closet, unloved, in limbo, for all those years. I certainly never asked her to hold onto the dress; prom, in my memory, was a disappointing event that only drilled home that fact that I was not pretty or popular enough to snag a boyfriend. Maybe my Mom hoped that someday I'd see the dress with clearer eyes, that someday the dress would remind me of a young, happy time. Perhaps she simply couldn't bear to part with a dress that had cost her so much. (Prom dresses aren't cheap, you know.) Whatever her reasons, my son and I both agree that she didn't expect THIS to be the dress's next stop. In the words of my son: "I bet Grandma never thought I'd be wearing this dress!"

He's right, of course. I have four boys. None of us ever expected that dress to see action again. But he's a theatrical one, my 13-year-old. He's involved in music and dance and gamely agreed to play the part of Mama in a lip sync production of "Welcome to the '60s!" When he came home and told me he needed a pink, sparkly dress, I knew just the dress for him. We headed over to Grandma's, grabbed the dress and within minutes of returning home, my pink prom dress was swathed around my son's body.

It fit him. (Well, mostly.) My pink prom dress, the one I wore at age 16, fit my 13-year-old son. The pink satiny material hugs his sides and I look on with wonder. Was I that small as a teen? The dress, in fact, is a little tight on him and he asks how I managed to breathe. I try to picture myself in the dainty dress, the dress with a small, narrow waist which opens into a full skirt. I don't recall feeling dainty in the dress. I recall feeling ugly and out-of-place.

For 20+ years, I have recoiled at pictures of myself in the dress, have slammed shut the closet door every time I stumbled across the dress at Grandma's, because the dress served only as reminder of my physical unattractiveness. How could I have chosen such an ugly dress, I wondered?

But now that the dress is back in service -- draped over seat of my van, hanging from my kitchen cupboards, hugging the not-at-all fat body of my son -- I see that the dress is not ugly. It's actually quite pretty: a lacy skirt overlaying pink satin; a wide, pink sash at the waist; a bosom decorated with tiny irirdescent beads. And from this perspective, I'm willing to acknowledge that maybe I wasn't ugly then either. If I could fit into that dress at age 16 - and fill it out in ways that my 13-year-old will never be able to -- clearly, I wasn't as large or ugly or ox-y as I once thought. I look at the dress now and shake my head at the sadness of it all. For 20+ years, I thought my 16-year-old self was ugly. It took my 13-year-old son in a dress to show me my errors of perception.

Fellow writer Dara Chadwick, author of You'd Be So Pretty If..., argues that moms of boys need to be just as concerned about girls' body image issues as moms of daughters. "Healthy self-esteem and self-respect are the foundation for healthy relationships," Chadwick wrote on her Psychology Today blog. "When girls don't feel good about who they are or the bodies they live in, they somtimes act out in unhealthy ways...And they're often not alone in this acting out behavior: our sons are with them."

It's taken 20 years -- and my son in a dress -- for me to even realize that I had body image issues as a teen. My goal now, as a mother of boys, is to make sure my boys see the person behind the dress, not just the dress or the pretty figure.

Should You Fight Back?

2011-03-18T11:05:00.002-05:00

Bullying has been in the news a lot lately. Despite parents' and teachers' efforts to the contrary, bullying continues to exist, just as it has for, well, millenia. And while almost everyone now agrees that bullying needs to be stopped, I'm not sure sure we've figured out how to do that.

Sure, we tell our kids to treat others with respect. We tell them to intervene, to stand up beside the bullied in a show of solidarity. We tell them to report incidents of bullying to teachers, daycare providers and other authority figures. But is that enough?

Like it or not, our boys live in a culture that requires them to take a stand. According to the Boy Code, status and dominance are prominant, and every boy I know talks about the need to let other boys know that they won't take any guff from anyone. I see it in my house all the time. Even at home, in a family environment of love and acceptance, my 13-year-old feels the need to stand up to the torments of his younger brothers. Why? In the words of my 13- year-old: "because they need to learn they can't get way with treating me like that."

I see where he's coming from. But on a daily basis, I have a hard time reconciling boys' need to stand up for themselves with my desire to teach them peaceful, non-violent ways of conflict resolution. Yet at some level, I wonder if telling boys to speak up, walk away and tell an adult is enough for boys.

In Australia, a school boy was recently suspended after physically standing up to a bully. I know that fighting violence with violence is rarely the way to go. And the video is disturbing. But I'm willing to bet the younger bully leaves this kid alone from now on.

What do you think? Do you ever think it's appropriate (or necessary) for bullied boys to "fight back?" How can we help our boys end bullying while respecting their need to prove their dominance among other boys?

The Boys Initiative

2011-02-16T11:19:00.004-06:00

I have stumbled onto a treasure trove of information.

Today, in my inbox, I found a press release announcing the launch of The Boys Initiative, a "national campaign to address alarming negative trends in recent years pertaining to boys' educationl achievement and social adjustment."

As you know, I started this blog to address just those trends. My goal was -- and remains -- to share information about boys so that parents can make decisions from an informed perspective. I want concerned parents to know that they are not the only ones worrying over sons who lag behind in reading, whose behavior has been deemed unacceptable for the classroom and who wonder if the current academic environment might not have something to do with boys' troubles. I want parents to know the biological and developmental reality of boys. I want them to know about news and research studies that highlight the issues and concerns of today's boys, as well as some of the innovative programs that are helping boys across the country. I want to create a safe space where parents can share their concerns and draw strength from one another.

The Boys Initiative shares many of the same goals. Their website is FULL of useful resources. Need some facts or figures about boys' academic achievement? Need to know about boys' unique mental health concerns? Alternative educational options? Expert opinions and the latest research? It's all there.

Visit The Boys Initiative. Add your voice to the voices of others concerned for our sons. And always, continue to do your best at home. Parenting boys is a lot of work, but together, we can make a difference, one boy at a time.

Changes

2011-01-24T21:56:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow, we begin a new phase of our educational journey.

For the past six years, my boys have been homeschooled. We pulled Boy #1 out of school halfway through first grade; he's now in 7th. Boys #2 and #3 have never been to school, except for preschool. They are now ages 10 and 7. #4 has never been part of a structured educational environment (unless you count storytime at the local library).

Tomorrow, though, the older boys will begin taking classes at our local public school. As per our divorce decree and a tiny little part of Wisconsin state law, Boys #1-3 will be taking one to two courses each. #1, my history buff and avid reader, will be focusing on Language Arts and Social Studies. #2 will join a 4th grade class for reading, writing -- and gym twice a week. #3 will also focus on reading and writing. He'll also get to stay for snack and recess. #4 will probably start 4-year-old preschool in a few weeks.

It's a big change, to be sure. But you want to know what my boys were worried about today? Whether or not it's OK to fart in the classroom. That's right: on the eve of their re-entry into the world of formal education, the top question on their minds was, "Do you get a detention if you fart really loud in class?"

I didn't have an answer to that one. (And I swear, I scanned the Behavorial Expectations book!) The question, though, reminded me that boys will be boys, whether they're at home or at school. You can take the boy out of the home, but you absolutely cannot take the boy out of the boy.

Passion

2010-12-16T23:55:00.004-06:00

Part of the reason I homeschool my boys is because I want them to have the time, space and freedom to explore their own passions. Certainly, children can be inspired in school. And certainly children can discover new opportunties and interests in school. But to really delve into a passion takes time. And true freedom to explore your own interests is seldom found in school. (Peer pressure, anyone?)

Three-year-old Jonathan is too young for school. He hasn't learned yet that classical music isn't cool or that boys aren't supposed to be interested in the arts. He has, however, discovered his passion.

The Marinette Shooting and the Culture of Fear

2010-11-30T21:01:00.005-06:00

The headline last night -- "Armed student reportedly holding high school classroom hostage in Wisconsin" -- took my breath away. I live in Wisconsin. And I still desperately want to believe that things like that don't happen in Wisconsin.

But they do. As you now know, a 15-year-old male student held about two dozen students and a teacher hostage for almost five hours yesterday in Marinette, Wisconsin, a town of about 11,000 on the Wisconsin/Michigan border. The student fired shots in the classroom, but ultimately released all of the hostages. No one was injured, except the gunman, who shot himself when law enforcement officers stormed the classroom. The student died today.

No one was injured...seems like such a false and fake thing to say, doesn't it? The entire town was injured. Every single child in that room will be affected for a long, long time. Parents' hearts stopped last night as they waited to see what would happen. And somewhere in Marinette, a family is dealing with the worst possible grief tonight.

Tonight, his family is simultaneously grieving his death while trying to make sense of his actions -- while the world clamors to know what they knew when. They're dealing with grief and guilt and misunderstanding and hatred. They're wondering if they did enough, if they said something wrong, if somehow they could have prevented the whole fiasco. They'd do anything, I'm sure, to turn the clock back to tomorrow morning.

Most of us would, I think. Most of us would like to turn the clock back to pre-1999, pre-Columbine. Or maybe even pre-1997, pre-Paducah.

My oldest son was born in 1997. He has never known a world where students didn't shoot one another in school. Think about that. School shootings have, in some way, always been a part of my boys' world.

So has terrorism. My oldest son was not quite 3 when the Twin Towers fell; his brother was only 1. We were watching Sesame Street when we heard the news.

And while all of that has seemed far, far away, last night's situation thrust reality in my face. Violence is everywhere. Anger is everywhere. Depression is everywhere.

Fear is everywhere.

Our children are growing up in the culture of fear.

After one of these events, we talk about the human costs, the kids that die and the kids that kill. We talk about gun control and anti-bullying measures and resolve to make things better. But do we talk about the cumulative effects of fear? Do we talk -- at all -- about what it's like for today's kids to grow up in a world where violence may show up on their doorstep at any minute?

I realize that violence is a reality for far too many kids today. I realize that an insecure environment is nothing new for children in many parts of the world and even here in the USA. It's just that no one feels safe anymore. Not even residents of Middle-of-Nowhere, Wisconsin.

On some level, our children have come to expect random, extreme violence as part of life. In their world, it's entirely possible that the grandma in front of them at the airport is concealing a bomb in her brassiere, or that a class will end abruptly in a spray of gunfire.

What does that knowledge do to a developing brain? Will our children suffer from an inability to connect, to trust?

I don't know the answers. But I do know that succumbing to the fear will only make things worse. The only way -- the ONLY way -- out of this mess is to connect, to redevelop human connections.

When my children ask about Marinette, I will answer their questions. I will continue, however, to nurture their belief in the human spirit. I will continually point out all the wonderful and amazing people in this world who are working to make this world a better place. Just last night, I got an email from a neighbor who is organizing a fundraiser for a local couple who was recently diagnosed with cancer. (Yes, couple. Both husband and wife are staring at months of treatment and mounting medical bills.) A small-town fundraiser might not seem like much, but it's an example of people caring, people connecting. It's tangible proof that much good remains here in the world, despite the scary headlines.

I don't want my boys -- or yours -- to get lost in the culture of fear. Let's nurture their connections instead.

Thankful

2010-11-24T21:31:00.003-06:00

The turkey is in the brine, the pies are on the front porch and my sister, thankfully, is bringing the potatoes. My home is not clean; it's presentable. The boys helped me vacuum and dust (the downstairs) and the toys -- well, the toys remain scattered at best.

But tonight, I am giving thanks. Tonight, I received an email from a former writing student who shared an essay she'd recently written. I won't divulge the contents of the essay, because she's currently in the process of submitting it for publication. I will tell you this, though: her essay told the story of help from unlikely places, of how we are never alone as we think.

Her theme resonated with me. My family has been challenged like never before over the last two years, but we have never been alone. Every step along the way, we have been held up and supported by the love of friends and family. Friends, family and even strangers have provided words of comfort and hope; financial, physical and technical support, work referrals, companionship and more.

My 74-year-old father split wood in the heat of summer so that the boys and I would have cheap heat this winter. Tonight, my home is heated not by wood, but by my father's love.

Numerous writing students, including the essayist, have shared their hearts and hopes with me. While I was officially their teacher, I learned more from them then they may ever know. I learned the power of voice, of truth, of honesty. My students reminded me that writing is a way to infuse our lives with meaning, to find deeper meaning in the deitrus of our everyday lives.

The women in my life have proved to me, time and again, just how strong women are. From writer-mamas to the recently single, they have taught me the power of persistence.

And my boys -- my boys! -- continue to amaze and inspire me. Daily, they fight and struggle. Daily, they drive me crazy. But just as I'm about to give up hope, they do something incredibly kind, compassionate and thoughtful. The most recent example? My boys are chipping in to buy chickens for a family in a Third World country. Instead of buying presents for one another this holiday season, they've chosen to help a family less fortunate than ours.

Somehow, the message has sunk in. Somehow my boys have absorbed the lesson of these past few years. Somehow, they've realized that the world is a much better place when we help one another.

Tonight, I am thankful for all who have helped me.

Absent

2010-11-18T11:48:00.003-06:00

As many of you have noticed, I've been absent for a stretch. I'll be honest: my life has been in a state of transition. My divorce was finalized at the end of September and I've been concentrating on rebuilding my life. But my blog, I've realized, is part of my life -- and part of yours too. So I promise you that I'll be back soon. I'll be taking some steps to revamp the blog (this background has GOT to go!), making this a perfect time to solicit your feedback.

What would you like to see more of on Blogging 'Bout Boys? What would you like to see less of? Book reviews, guest posts, video clips? A Q & A section? A Readers-Give-Advice section? Are there any topics you'd like to see addressed?

I want this blog to be an Internet home for parents of boys. I want to share information and ideas to help us raise and educate our sons. So, how can I help you?

Book Review: Tutor in a Book

2010-09-16T10:36:00.003-05:00

It's the third week of school. How's it going?

School is a struggle for many boys. But that doesn't mean your sons are doomed to a lifetime of sub-par academic achievement. The key is understanding your son. What makes him tick? How does he learn? What obstacles are blocking his success?

Alexandra Mayzler, founder of Thinking Caps Tutoring, has written a new book to help all students reach their academic potential. Tutor in a Book: Better Grades as Easy as 1-2-3 features interactive quizzes to help you assess your child's learning style and situation, as well as real-life case studies and dozens of practical tips designed to boost your child's organization, time management and study skills.

Recently, I talked to Alexandra about the best ways to help boys learn:

Why do so many boys struggle in school?

I think that boys have a lot of energy, and it takes a lot of willpower for a middle school boy to hold that in while sitting in a chair for a whole lesson. Asking any child to sit quietly for a long period of time is a challenge, but boys, from the beginning are encouraged to be active, so honing focus is an even bigger challenge. Also, in the middle school years, a boy might be more inclined to rebel, so the consequences of rebellion may play out in school work.

Boys often have difficulty with the classic sit-down-and-learn approach that's so common in today's classroom. Are there any techniques that you find particularly useful when tutoring boys?

Make class interactive. Encourage boys to come up to the board and write answers. If there is time, start or finish a class period with an activity involving movement, such as stretching or a partner activity. Try hands-on projects such as diagrams or making boardgames. We also like to have boys do homework in non-traditional spots such as on the floor. As long as they stay organized and keep track of the materials, changing the homework spot can help boys stay focused.

So often, homework turns into a battle. What's your #1 homework tip for parents of boys?

Who knows your boy better than you do? Adapt a homework approach that fits his needs and lifestyle. If he needs to move around a lot during homework time, schedule short, frequent breaks. Communicate your goals and expectations before there’s a problem and hear what your son has to say about his hopes for the school year. By personalizing the study process and keeping communication lines open everyone can have a successful year!

Disclaimer: I received a free review copy of Tutor in a Book.

Undergoing Renovation

2010-09-14T18:39:00.003-05:00

Yep, things look different around here.

I'd been using a free blog template for almost two years, but the designer no longer has access to those images. So out with the old, in with the new!

The only problem is, I'm not sure what the new will be. Please bear with me as I establish a new look for Blogging 'Bout Boys. Any suggestions?

What Are Your Boys Into?

2010-09-13T21:55:00.003-05:00

Ever notice how certain obsessions come and go?

For awhile, Boy #2 was obsessed with dinosaurs. Then he switched to butterflies. (Go figure.) Some days, the Tonka trucks are in style. Other days, they're not.

The latest obsessions at my house are Lincoln logs, sand and water. Let me explain.

The Lincoln logs are just, well, cool. We had some for years, but as you've probably already figured out, you can never have too many Lincoln logs. So when none of my brothers stepped up to claim the Lincoln logs at my parents' house last fall, I brought them home and added them to our stash.

For three days now, my youngest three boys have been creating elaborate constructions out of the notched wooden blocks. Garages seem to be their building-of-choice; miniature cars sit safely in the structures, guarded by the plastic figurines my boys so helpfully place on the roof.

Of course, no boy can stay inside forever, and lately when mine head outside, they head straight for the sandbox. They started digging last week, during a major rain storm. They dug out a pit, next to the sandbox. (WHY do they always have to dig next to the sandbox?) The pit filled with water, as intended. The boys joked that it would be funny to see a fish in the puddle, and Boy #1 happily agreed. He went fishing early the next morning with a friend and not-so-secretly planted three bullheads in the pit.

I may have been the only woman in the neighborhood with fish swimming at the bottom of her garage stairs. I'm pretty sure I'm the only woman in the neighborhood (in the town?) who ate a fish dinner today from her backyard. (Boy #1 fried us up a succulent fish dinner today after adding fish to the pond yesterday).

So the fish are gone -- but the boys' interest in sand and water has not abated. They were out there again this afternoon, re-shaping the pond and creating rivers, streams and dams.

What are your boys into these days?

And the Winner Is...

2010-09-11T22:38:00.002-05:00

Denise Schipani!

Denise, who blogs over at Confessions of a Mean Mommy, is proud mommy to Daniel and James. She's also sick of people assuming that her boys will someday grow up and forget all about her. (Boy-moms, can you relate? I sure can!)

Thanks to all who entered my contest. Only one could win, and this time around, that winner is Denise. An autographed copy of I'm Outnumbered: One Mom's Lessons in the Lively Are of Raising Boys is on its way.

Banish the Bad Guys?

2010-09-06T13:09:00.004-05:00

If you have boys at home, you know they're built for battle. Whether you allow gun play or not, whether you own a TV or not, I'll willing to bet that your boys have played some kind of war/cops-robbers/good guy-bad guy game -- probably within the last 24 hours.

But not all adults are comfortable with this kind of play, and that can be a problem for boys in school, in daycare and at home.

A recent MSNBC article, "Bring it: Boys may benefit from aggressive play," analyzed the research on both sides of the story and concluded that there is nothing inherently wrong with boys' battle play. However, many teachers (and some parents) continue to believe that allowing mock battle play will somehow reinforce violent attitudes and behavior.

And, on a practical note, many teachers and parents simply find battle play harder to deal with than, say, pretend house play. In the MSNBC article, researcher Mary Ellin Logue is quoted as saying, "We don't want to condone violence, we don't want to risk it getting out of control..."

I can relate to that concern. As a parent, it can be extraordinarily difficult for me to let the battle play continue, especially when I see the stakes rising or a younger brother getting frustrated. As a parent, I know only all too well that the line between happy play and sobbing child is tissue-paper thin. As a parent, it sometimes seems that would it be much easier -- for me -- to squash the battle play all together than to deal with raised voices, swinging swords and potentially unhappy children. But is that best for my boys?

I think not, and the research agrees with me. Sophisticated play (yes, even play that includes one team holding down the fort while the other tries to break in) helps children learn delayed gratification, consideration for other's perspectives and impulse control. It also encourages imagination and storytelling, two skills that are crucial for later success in writing. And battle play may even help children deal with their inner demons. Some researchers suggest that fighting against "the bad guys" is little boys' way of working through their own less-than-admirable impulses. "These bad guys," Logue is quoted as saying, "give them a way to externalize that part of them that they are trying to conquer."

So before you rush in to break up your sons' battles, take a breath. Watch. Listen. Observe. And when you feel your adrenaline rising, remember these words of Michael Thompson, author of Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys: "Play, rougher in its themes and rougher physically, is a feature of boyhood in every society on Earth."

Contest Announcement: Book Giveaway!

2010-09-02T23:32:00.003-05:00

In case you missed it yesterday, I'm giving away one autographed copy of Laura Lee Grove's new book, I'm Outnumbered: One Mom's Lessons in the Lively Art of Raising Boys. To enter:

•Leave a comment, either telling me one thing you've learned about raising boys or asking a question about boys. I'll answer all questions in future posts.

•Be sure to include your contact info! Please leave an email address, so I can contact you if you're the winner.

•One comment = one entry. (And please, no more than one comment per blog post). To earn additional entries, you can...

•Tweet the contest. Each tweet (up to one per day per entrant) equals one more entry. Please include my Twitter tag (@jlwf) so I know you've tweeted!

•Mention the contest on Facebook. Again, be sure to let me know. (You can find me on Facebook as Jennifer L.W. Fink.)

•Mention the contest in a blog post and include a link back to my blog. I love getting to know other bloggers!

The contest will run through midnight CST next Friday, September 10. The winner will be drawn at random via http://www.random.org/ and will be notified ASAP. Laura will send the book directly to the winner.

Good luck!

Books About Boys: I'm Outnumbered!

2010-09-01T22:40:00.003-05:00

Laura Lee Groves gets me. As another mom of four boys, she fully understands the joys and challenges of raising a houseful of mini-men. That's why I'm thrilled to announce the publication of her book, I'm Outnumbered: One Mom's Lessons in the Lively Art of Raising Boys.

Laura is a high school English and drama teacher who writes to bring encouragement and inspiration to moms. She's has written for Moody Magazine, Focus on the Family’s Focus on Your Child, Coral Ridge Ministries and has penned and directed several madrigal dinner plays.

I recently asked Laura a few questions about the art of raising boys:

What's the hardest thing about being a mom of boys?

To me, feeling so outnumbered. I love my boys, but I have often felt rather isolated, as a woman. There have been times I've felt misunderstood, too, by moms whose lives were so different from mine.

How are the dynamics in a many-boy household different from a one-boy household?

Same thing only more! When there's only one boy, he doesn't have anyone to wrestle with. Increase the number of boys, and the wrestling multiplies exponentially! The dynamics of multiple boys is both fascinating and frightening. When they're a band of brothers, it's wonderful; when they're in competition (so common with boys), it can get crazy.

What would you say are some of the top challenges facing boys today -- and how can parents help?

Media choices, I'd say. Teaching our boys to discern is the key -- guiding and leading them to make wise choices for themselves. The lure of technology is so great and will only grow in coming years. We won't always be there, and our boys needs to know how to maintain balance in the light of that lure.

A lot of boys today seem to be struggling in school. As a teacher and mom of boys, why do you think this is so? What can be done to help boys learn?

Oh, I think there are many reasons, ranging from acceptance of stereotypes (on the part of teachers and parents), lack of understanding of boys by teachers, and the nature of the boy beast (in the current educational atmosphere). The best thing we can do is foster and nurture a love of learning and discovery -- early -- so that it lasts. Next, we need to set the bar for our boys and expect excellence while balancing that with unconditional love. We need to look for their best in all things and be willing to accept their best as their best. We can't tie our acceptance to their educational -- or any other type of -- achievement.

How have your boys helped you grow?

Oh, my. I truly understand the male beast better after raising four of them. They helped develop a different side of me -- helped me keep alive the wonder and discovery and joy of childhood. Even though they're young men, they continue to be captivated by the wonder of discovery, and they drag me along. Practically, my experience with them pushed me to write a book, and I've certainly grown though that process.

Want to know more about Laura? Visit her (wonderful!) blog at www.outnumberedmom.com/.
Want a copy of her book? Enter my contest! Laura has agreed to donate one signed copy of I'm Outnumbered! to one lucky Blogging 'Bout Boys reader. To enter:

Leave a comment, either telling me one thing you've learned about raising boys or asking a question about boys. I'll answer all questions in future posts.
Be sure to include your contact info! Please leave an email address, so I can contact you if you're the winner.
One comment = one entry. (And please, no more than one comment per blog post). To earn additional entries, you can...
Tweet the contest. Each tweet (up to one per day per entrant) equals one more entry. Please include my Twitter tag (@jlwf) so I know you've tweeted!
Mention the contest on Facebook. Again, be sure to let me know. (You can find me on Facebook as Jennifer L.W. Fink.)
Mention the contest in a blog post and include a link back to my blog. I love getting to know other bloggers!

Now for the legal mumbo-jumbo: The contest will run through midnight CST next Friday, September 10. The winner will be drawn at random via http://www.random.org/ and will be notified ASAP. Laura will send the book directly to the winner.

Ready? Comment!

Back

2010-08-30T22:18:00.005-05:00

It's good to step away from the computer.

Last week, I took my four boys camping in northern Wisconsin. It was a first for us, in a way -- our first long-term camping trip. (If you can call five days long term. Since I was alone with four boys, I declare that you can!). It was also a first in that it was probably the longest any of us have been without screen, TV or computer in, oh, about five years.

Sad, isn't it?

We've gone up North (Up Nort', as my fellow Wisconsinites tend to say) for years, but in years past, we've rented a cabin. And in years past, we've always packed along my laptop computer. In case of rain, we said. You know, so the kids could watch a DVD instead of driving us crazy. And generally, they did. I also had a bad habit of bringing it out to do "just a little work," while their Dad pulled it out at night to play Solitaire.

But last week, camping on a simple, non-electric site in a state forest, we had no electricity. My laptop -- still infected with a virus it caught over a month ago -- remained home. And you know what? We had fun. We biked. We hung out at the lake. We played mini-golf, went go-karting and toured the area. We spent time around the campfire. (Did you know that 1) boys are more likely to eat food cooked over a campfire and 2) more likely to remain in the vicinity while you cook if you cook over a campfire?) Five days without TV, computers or Wii, and no one missed it.

Ok, not no one. Boy #4 *did* pretend my back was a TV while biking behind me down the trail.

Have you gone screen-free, even for a short time? How did it work out for your family?

Snapshot Sunday: An Entrepreneur

2010-08-22T21:13:00.001-05:00

Motherlove, or Why I Took My Son's Project to the Fair

2010-08-17T23:41:00.005-05:00

Today was Drop-Off Day for the County Fair. If you know what that means, congrats! You're a 4-H parent. If you don't, let me put it to you like this: Today is the day 4-H moms and dads drive their progeny to the fairgrounds to drop off the projects they've been nagging the kids about for weeks. Today's the day they finally get that mess out of the house (at least temporarily). And today's the day they worry and wonder, hoping that all the projects make it to the Fair intact.

In other words, Drop-Off Day is a pretty big day around here.

At noon today, I was silently patting myself on the back. The projects were all done. Fair tags were attached. All that remained was to deliver them to the Fair.

The first sign of a problem came as we were headed out the door. "Is this a 14 X 22 inch poster?" Boy #1 asked, holding his Casting Techniques poster out for inspection. Oh, $%$^, I thought. I knew photography projects had to be on a specially-sized piece of paper, but had no idea that posters faced a similar requirement. I'd simply handed him a regularly-sized piece of posterboard and told him to have at it.

"It'll be OK," I told him. "Load it in the car."

Well, it wasn't OK. When he attempted to check in his project at the fair, he was told he could a) submit the project as-is and receive a participation ribbon, b) cut off part of the poster to meet the size requirement or c) take it home and re-do on an appropriately-sized piece of paper. He was NOT happy about any of those options. In fact, at that point, he was determined to quit 4-H. Forever.

I should note here that we live 20 minutes from the fairgrounds. And that I'm a single mom of four kids. Who I'd just hauled to the Fair. That's a 40 -minute roundtrip. I was not looking forward to another.

Boy #1, meanwhile, was not looking forward to re-doing his project. I, meanwhile, felt more than a little guilt for this predictament, because I was the one who handed him the wrong posterboard.

At home, he grouched and groaned. I talked him through the process -- luckily, he'd saved most of material on the computer, so it was simply a matter of re-sizing and reprinting it -- and helped him crop the photos. Then, I left it up to him. If you want to do it, I told him, I'll take it back to the Fair. If not, fine.

He did, so I ended up making not one but two trips to the fairgrounds today. My question to you is, What would you have done in my shoes? We hear a lot today about the harmful effects of parents bailing their kids out of trouble. Parents who rush to school to deliver every forgotten project and lunch, the experts say, deprive their children of natural consequences. Was I a meddling, over-involved mom today, or was I a caring and supportive mom? How would you have handled the situation?

Snapshot Sunday: Summer Snow

2010-08-15T22:23:00.004-05:00

Want to know what happens next? Visit me on Facebook. Tell me you came from Blogging 'Bout Boys and you'll get to see the whole, glorious, messy scene.

Best of the Blogs: Boys in the News

2010-08-13T17:39:00.006-05:00

Fridays have traditionally been Best of the Blogs day here at Blogging 'Bout Boys, a round-up of some the best boy-related blogs on the 'Net. But this week, I ran across so many fascinating news articles that I'm going to focus on news instead. (Who says journalism is dead?)

I first saw Debra-Lynn B. Hook's article, "There's Something to Be Said for Summer Vacation," in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, but apparently (and thankfully), her article ran nationwide. Hook, a mother of three, decries the push toward year 'round school. An excerpt:

My disdain...is built around the the concept of "academic achievement." Don't get me wrong. I support public education and every child having the opportunity to do well in school. What I do not support is academic achievement as the definition of childhood's success.

CNN also ran an interesting article this week, entitled, "ADHD: Who Makes the Diagnosis?" All too often, the article suggests, teachers are the ones who suggest a diagnosis of ADHD -- but only physicians are qualified to diagnose and treat the disease. Other conditions, such as depression or anxiety, can trigger similar sypmtoms but require a completely different approach. If you have a son in school, you owe it to him to learn as much as you can about ADHD; ADHD is most often diagnosed in boys and occassionally used as a catch-all diagnosis to describe boys who simply have a hard time sitting still in classroom settings.

In fact, if ADHD has ever been mentioned in relationship to your son, you deserve to know about a new study out of Duke University. As reported in the Sept. 2010 issue of Family Circle, Duke researchers strongly suggest re-assessing kids with ADHD every year. A different classroom dynamic, they say, may lesson symptoms. In fact, they found that one-third of kids with ADHD showed no trouble concentrating the following year.

Another longitudinal study suggests that personality is pretty well established by first grade. The 40-year-study, soon-to-be-reported in the the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, followed 2400 individuals from childhood to adulthood and found that "talkative youngsters tended to show interest in intellectual matters, speak fluently, try to control situations, and exhibit a high degree of intelligence as adults. Children who rated low to verbal fluency were observed as adults to seek advice, give up when faced with obstacles, and exhibit an awkward personal style."

Finally, Colin Mason's article, "Are Children The Enemy of Productivity?" expresses my experience perfectly. I have four kids, and the writing/parenting question I get most often is, "How in the world do you manage to write with all those kids around?" The logistical answer is that it's not always easy. The logistical answer includes a basement office, a shared parenting schedule and kids who know that "Mommy's doing an interview" means "stay out of my office!" But the full truth is that I wouldn't be writing without my kids. From Mason:

Children see things that we cannot see, they remind us of truths and insights that we long ago forgot. And they remind us that the greatest insights in the world were discovered not while ponderously meditating, but while delighting in the simple pleasures and pains of life...Children are a great blessing to grown-ups not simply because of the joy, the wonder, and the incredible privilege of caring for a young soul that they provide. Children are also a blessing because they are a kind of living alarm clock, telling us that it is time to wake up and seize the day.

That's the message, I think, that has gotten lost in our society's obsession with happiness. Children may or may not make us "happier," but they enhance our lives in myriad ways.

Happy browsing!

Boy Killed for Acting Like a Girl

2010-08-09T11:19:00.003-05:00

Have you heard about the case of Roy Jones?

The 17-month-old baby boy was killed by his mother's boyfriend, Pedro Jones, in a savage beating. Jones' explanation -- "I was trying to make him act like a boy instead of a little girl" -- only makes things worse.

We've talked before about homophobia and gender expectations. If anything, this case should be a wake-up call to those who deny or minimize the harm our society regularly inflicts on boys who don't meet our pre-determined (and incredibly narrow) definition of "male."

For the record, boys come in all shapes, sizes and styles. Some boys are jocks -- and some are artists and musicians. Some are both, and no boy should ever have to choose one aspect of his personality over another just to fit in with the crowd.

For the record, a boy can wear a dress and still be a boy. A boy can bake cakes and still be a boy. A boy can cartwheel across the moon with pink fingernail polish on his toe- and fingernails and still be a boy.

When, oh when, are we going to expand our definitions of "boy" and "girl" to include, accept and love every little boy and girl on this Earth, no matter their appearance or demeanor?

I write often about gender differences, and I do believe that there are some innate biological differences between boys and girls and that those differences should be taken into consideration as we raise and educate our boys. But respecting boys' biology is far different than slamming someone for not being "boy" enough. To me, it's all about respect. As parents and adults, we should respect and nourish each boy's innate gifts, talents and interests. Trying to cram someone into a pre-determined box is never productive - and, sadly, sometimes leads to a small wooden box buried six-feet under.

RIP, Roy.

Getting Boys to Read

2010-07-21T08:38:00.002-05:00

You gotta love the AP headline: "Boys trail girls in reading; can fart jokes help?"

The topic -- boys' lack of interest in reading -- isn't a new one to readers of this blog. Neither is the solution, which is to "meet boys where they are" -- fancy psycho-speak for "capitalize on their interests." Boys, in general, respond to shorter bursts of non-fiction text. If the material is funny, all the better.

But boys, like all humans, are complex creatures, and their interests, believe it or not, do extend beyond fart jokes. My boys absolutely loved Captain Underpants, Walter the Farting Dog and Diary of a Wimpy Kid -- but they also enjoyed Hatchet, a Newbery Honor-winning novel. And Boy #1 just finished a book about German POW camps in Wisconsin.

My best boy-related reading advice? Keep a variety of reading materials around the house. Picture books, comic books, novels and non-fiction tomes are great, but so are magazines and newspapers. My oldest loves to thumb through our local paper; Boy #2 like to check out the headlines and photos on the Sunday sports page. They've become big magazine fans, a fact which cheers this magazine writer's heart. Current favorites include:

Boys' Life

In-Fisherman

Sports Illustrated

Musky Hunter

BMX Plus!

What magazines do your boys enjoy?

Being a Parent

2010-07-20T19:23:00.005-05:00

I was playing in the sandbox with Boy #4 today when Boy #3 looked at me and asked, "What would you be doing right now if you didn't have kids?"

I shrugged. "Probably have lunch or working at my computer."

He nodded. "So your life would be more boring?"

"Exactly," I said. "Exactly."

There's been much talk on the Internet lately about parenting and happiness, much of it triggered by a New York article titled, "All Joy and No Fun." As the article states -- and as every single honest parent will tell you -- parenting is frequently messy and not much fun. I love my children to death, as they say, but they drive me crazy every single day. You think I like trying to teach four young boys how to sit at a table?

And yet...

As frustrating and exhausting as parenting can be -- and as good as a quiet lunch and time to work sounds, especially in the middle of a hectic day -- I wouldn't change my life, because my kids have changed me.

Let that sink in for awhile. Then click over and read author Jennifer Lawler's extremely moving blog post, For Jessica. If you can, come back here and tell me what you think.

Risky Business

2010-07-19T09:10:00.003-05:00

Do you have a risk taker in your house? You know, one boy who insists on climbing to the top of the swingset, then jumping down? Or one who's always building the bike ramp higher and higher, pushing the limits of safety?

Where does he fall in birth order? Based on a new study, I'm going to guess he's not first.

According to a study published in Personality and Social Psychology Review, younger siblings are more likely to take risks. The authors reviewed Major League Baseball data (how's that for a cool data set?) and found that younger siblings are 10.6 times more likely to attempt to steal a base -- a risky behavior, at least in the game of baseball. Younger sibs are also more likely to be hit by a pitch, which the researchers believe may reflect a refusal to be intimidated. (Or to back down?) They also reviewed previous studies and found that later-birth order children are almost one-and-a-half time more likely to participate in a dangerous physical activity, such as football or skydiving.

My kids aren't old enough for skydiving, but based on limited experience, I'd say the study is right on. The climb-to-the-top-of-the-swingset example at the top of this blog post is cribbed directly from my life. Boy #3 first climbed the park swingset at age 5. By age 4, he was riding a bike without training wheels and skateboarding down the incline of my neighbor's driveway. My oldest son didn't even touch a skateboard until he was 8 or 9.

While the study doesn't attempt to address the reasons behind increased risk taking behavior, the authors suggest three possible contributing factors:

Personality differences -- Some kids are simply born risk takers.
Learned behavior -- Younger sibs learn by watching their older brothers and sisters, so they can skip some trial and error
Sibling rivalry -- Believe it or not, the statistics bear this out. Younger brothers who were separated from their older sib by less than five years were more likely to take risks, especially when/if they competed in similar categories. An attempt to stand out, maybe?

All three causes seem plausible, but I think the experts are missing one big one here: parental experience/benign neglect. With our first children, we tend to freak out over every. little. thing. If the Cheerio drops on the floor, we quickly whisk it away. If he approaches a skateboard at age 3, we redirect him to a more age-appropriate toy. But by the time there are two kids on the scene, we've learned to relax a bit. A combination of parental experience and lack of time (because, really, who can hover when there's a toddler and preschooler running around the house?) generally leads to a more relaxed style of parenting, a live-and-let-live attitude that gives kids the freedom to try things. Other parents freak out when my boys climb ever higher in the tree. This many kids into it, I trust them enough to let them try. I also, to tell you the truth, would rather spend my time chatting with other parents at the park than harping at my kids to stay out of the trees. See what I mean by benign neglect?

What about you? Are your younger boys more likely to take risks? Why (or why not)?

Snapshot Sunday: Summer Journals

2010-07-18T23:15:00.000-05:00

Boys and Sex

2010-07-14T09:18:00.003-05:00

Our kids today live in an increasingly sexualized world. Disney darling Miley Cyrus morphs from Hannah Montana into a full-blown sexy singer, and while some of her young fans (and many of their parents) disprove of her new look and lyrics, she's traveling a well-worn path. Our stores and catalogs, after all, are filled with skimpy clothes aimed at pre-teen girls.

For the most part, I thought I'd been spared that angst. As a mother of four boys, I don't have to deal with Halloween costumes that barely cover their midriffs or short-shorts emblazoned with the word "Juicy." But as a recent blog post at Sociological Images pointed out, boys are not immune from sexualization.

Jayden Smith, the 11-year-old star of Karate Kid, is admired for his abs. Apparently, he's also a self-proclaimed "great kisser." More distubring than that, however, is the fact that almost no one seems disturbed by these facts. Would we accept and tolerate the same behavior and treatment of an 11-year-old girl?

I'll admit it: The fact that he had a girlfriend in the newest Karate Kid seemed a bit odd to me. In Karate Kid I, the protagonist was a high school student. Here, he's barely in middle school. But beyond that, I hadn't given any thought to the fact that maybe -- maybe -- we tolerate certain sexual images, behaviors and casting as OK for boys but not OK for girls.

Sociological Images also ran photos of 16-year-old Justin Bieber with 29-year-old Kim Kardashian. And while the photos don't seem particularly disturbing (at least not compared with the site of Miley Cyrus tramping around in next-to-nothing), the author brings up an excellent point: What if the roles were reversed? Would we accept such photos of a 16-year-old girl with a 29-year-old man? Why do we tolerate provocative photos of young boys with older women? Could it be that a double standard is still in place?

"We accept the idea of boys being sexual, or sexually interested, at younger ages than girls, and any interest they show in older girls or women is a sign of their sexual precocity..." writes gwen. Think about that. Sub-consciously, are our expecatations for our sons different from those for our daughters? Why?

Snapshot Sunday: A Homemade Boat

2010-07-11T16:19:00.000-05:00

Teens and Mental Illness

2010-06-29T23:30:00.002-05:00

How do you know when your son's behavior crosses the line from typical teen to troubled? When -- and how -- should you intervene?

This Wall Street Journal article has some answers.

Have you ever dealt with a depressed teen? What have your experiences been with boys and the mental health system?

Speak Up!

2010-06-28T21:30:00.002-05:00

It's the kind of story that breaks your heart. Two boys, ages 2 1/2 and 5, starved and beaten to the point of malnutrition and dehydration. Cops investigated and removed the boys from the home after the landlord reported not seeing the boys outside for some time.

While every single aspect of this story makes my skin crawl -- the guy was persuing a Master's in teaching? -- the most chilling line, in my opinion, comes at the end of the story. "I believe we're also at fault," a neighbor told the AP, " 'cuz we all saw something and nobody said anything."

According to the neighbor, theirs was very much a mind-your-own-business neighborhood. So while the neighbors saw and discussed the boys' absence, no one -- but the landlord -- did anything.

It's sobering, really, the power that we have. With a word, we can improve someone's day. With our silence, we can condemn a child to another day of starvation.

It's so easy to get caught up in our own families, our own jobs and our own lives But there are children and parents next to us, beside us, who need us.

Yes, we hesitate to interfere in others' lives. Our is a very disconnected, independent society, and to comment on another's parenting is often seen as an intrusion of personal privacy. But think about it. Remember how good you felt when the old lady at church commented positively on your boys' behavior after Sunday services? Or how much you appreciated the sympathetic looks at the grocery store when your son melted down?

The truth is, raising children is a group endeavor. We all have a responsibility to the children of our community -- to the children of the world. And while none of us can independently eradicate child abuse or world hunger, we can make a difference on the local level. Imagine if those neighbors had called the cops earlier, or if one had knocked on the door to offer a casserole.

Yesterday, I saw a woman sitting on the curb at WalMart. She was calm and peaceful. Her son was not. He was storming, pouting and otherwise whining. His mom just sat there, the wind blowing in her hair. I was curious, but didn't say a word. Then her words floated through my open van window: "We'll go in," she said, "when you pull it together." Instantly, I understood what was going on. I'd been there before, and I have to say that half the time, I don't look nearly as self-composed as that mom did. I rolled down my window. "You're doing a great job," I told her. She smiled, and sat on the curb.

It was a moment, but a moment that may have been significant. Imagine how different the world would be if we spoke up, helped our neighbors and supported their parenting.

Best of the Blogs: Parenting

2010-06-25T17:40:00.003-05:00

Parenting is hard work -- but maybe not as hard as we make it. In Why Good Parenting is Less Work Than You Think, blogger Denise Schipani writes about some intriguing new research that suggests parents may have far less power over their kids' potential than we've been led to believe. It's an especially great read if you happen to have more than the typical 1.86 children.

Of course, parenting involves many decisions, from the mundane (do I let them watch one more TV show?) to the serious (is he mature enough to drive?). Mommy Minute tackles one of the more mundane issues in Raising Nature-Loving Boys in the Age of Wii, while Peggy Sue Brister examines boy-parents' first big decision, To Circumcise or Not to Circumcise?

Kris at Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers is one of the wisest parents I know (even if she is weird and unsocialized!) Her latest act of parenting brilliance is Time for Mom. Stop over and see what she's been doing.

Selling Unhealthy Food to Kids

2010-06-24T23:43:00.003-05:00

Full disclosure: I have two boxes of Scooby Doo-themed Gogurt in my fridge right now. Actually, make that one-and-a-half boxes. The boys hit those pretty hard today.

According to a new study, it's quite possible that my boys chose that yogurt because Scooby Doo was on the box. Knowing my boys, I absolutely concur. They're good, price-conscious shoppers, but given the choice to choose their own yogurt, they choose the Scooby Doo version over tubs of Dannon every time. And if you read the small print on the side of those Gogurt boxes, you know that the wildly colored product inside is not exactly a health food, despite yogurt's healthy reputation.

My boys' ability to be swayed by cartoon packaging is, unfortunately, all too common and entirely known to marketers. It's also having a detrimental effect on our children's health. According to a Pediatrics study published online June 21, boys and girls ages four to six said food tasted better when it came from a cartoon-enhanced package. Is it any wonder our children are selecting Trix yogurt and SpongeBob Cheez-Its?

Some, including study author Christina Roberto, are drawing parallels between Joe Camel of the past and snack cartoons of the present. I think they've got a valid point.

I've expressed my concerns about McDonald's marketing tactics before. And while I'm not entirely sure about the tactics, I don't disagree with the sentiment behind the Center for Science in the Public Interest's threat to sue McDonald's if the fast food purveyor does not remove toys from all future Happy Meals. Let's face it: If not for those toys, my kids would have chosen Happy Meals far less often. Often, my kids ordered Happy Meals solely because they wanted the toy. And while McDonald's rightly claims to offer healthy choices, my kids, like most, are well aware that Happy Meals come with fries or apple slices -- and that fries are the preferable choice.

Yes, I could put my foot down. I could insist on apple slices. I could boycott McDonald's and I refuse to buy any food branded with a cartoon character. But that doesn't change the fact that there's something inherently wrong with a bunch of marketers strategizing ways to attract kids to unhealthy goods.

That's my opinion. What's yours?

Books for Boys: Comics

2010-06-23T23:32:00.002-05:00

Most boys -- even boys who hate reading -- find it hard to resist comic books. The attraction is obvious: active, colorful pictures; few blocks of text and ridiculous, courageous or hilarious scenarios. What's not to like?

If you live with a struggling or reluctant reader, I challenge you to check out some comic books. Leave them lay around the house. Watch as your "non-reader" flips through the pages.

Don't know where to start? Here are some ideas, based on recommendation from other parents of boys:

As your son gets older, he can progress to graphic novels. Many publishers, recognizing the popularity of comics and graphic novels, have even added comic elements to more traditional books. (Think Diary of a Wimpy Kid.) Others are comic-izing everything from historical events to classic works of literature.

Who knows? Your son just might be inspired to compose his own comic. I'm going to check out The Comic Book Project, which provides education, training and materials for teachers and schools who want to use comic books in the classroom. They also offer a make-your-own comic book kit, which might be just thing for Boy #2.

Zero Tolerance and Common Sense

2010-06-21T22:03:00.003-05:00

As you may have heard, little David Morales created a patriotic-themed hat -- by gluing toy soldiers to a camouflage hat -- for a school project. His hat did not go over well. The principal called the boy's parents and told them that the hat wasn't allowed in school. The reason? The toy soliders carry toy weapons, and school policy forbids the wearing of images of weapons or drugs.

Naturally, much uproar ensued. David's parents expressed their view (which basically boiled down to, "It's a hat. Created to honor veterans. Why all the uproar?"), but ultimately abided by the prinicpal's decision. The case, though, had already attracted national attention. Ultimately, David received a medal from Lt. Gen. Reginald Centracchio, the retired head of the Rhode Island National Guard, who also met with school officials and asked them to review the policy. To their credit, the school officials did so.

"The event exposed how a policy meant to ensure safe environments for students can become restrictive and can present an image counter to the work of our schools to promote patriotism and democracy," Coventry school superintendent Ken Di Pietro told the Associated Press.

Always one to seize a teachable moment, I showed a picture of the hat to my 9-year-old son. "It's a pretty cool hat," he said. I told him what happened. "What is wrong with those people?" he said. "It's a little plastic toy, Mom. What do you think is going to do more damage, a little plastic toy or a pencil? But they allow pencils in school! There are thumb tacks on the bulletin board. Heck, you can do more damage with the rocks next to the playground!"

Methinks the boy has a point. What do you think?

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T14:04:00.003-05:00

For the longest time I guess I thought he didn't give a damn
Hard to read, hard to please, that was my old man
On the day I left for college, it was nothing new
We never had that heart to heart - he had too much to do

He checked the air in my tires
The belts and all the spark plug wires
Said when the hell's the last time you had this oil changed
And as I pulled out the drive he said be sure and call your mom sometime
And I didn't hear it then but I hear it now
He was saying I love you the only way he knew how

A hundred twenty-thousand miles and six years down the road
A brand new life and a brand new wife and we had just bought out first home
When he finally came to visit I thought he'd be so proud
He never said he liked the place he just got his tool belt out

And put new locks on the door
Went back and forth to the hardware store
Said come and hold this flashlight
As he crawled beneath the sink
These old wires aren't up to code
And that circuit box is gonna overload
And I didn't hear it then but I hear it now
He was saying I love you the only way he knew how

Last Sunday we all gathered for his 65th birthday
I knew he'd stiffen up but I hugged him anyway
When it was finally time to say goodbye I knew what was next
Just like he always does, right before we left

He checked the air in my tires
The belts and all the spark plug wires
Said when the hell's the last time you had this oil changed
And as I pulled out the drive he said be sure and call your mom sometime
And I didn't hear it then but I hear it now
He was saying I love you the only way he knew how

You Know You Have Boys When...

2010-06-19T21:26:00.002-05:00

...your child points to a fading wound on his abdomen and asks, "Will that make a scar?" -- and pumps his fist with glee when you respond yes.

Best of the Blogs: Father's Day Edition

2010-06-18T15:23:00.003-05:00

It's not easy being a man today. In Rethinking Manhood: The New Feminist Project?, author Tom Matlack writes about the need to re-invent masculinity. "The most macho thing in the world is to be a loving father. To be a faithful husband. To put food on the table," Matlack writes. "Even more macho is to come clean about how hard it is to try to try to be all those things at the same time. Women have been doing for fifty years. Now it's our turn."

Of course, being a hands-on parent of either sex isn't easy. An Ordinary Mom gives some great tips for handling the witching hour in Working the Swing Shift.

If you're ready for something deeper and darker, check out "Boys Will Be Boys": The Connection Between a Sex League Scandal and a Domestic Violence Murder. It seems a group of teenage boys out East had a competition of sorts, where they gained points for sexual activities with females. As heinous as they actions were, the rationalization some adults used to excuse the boys' behavior -- boys will be boys -- is even worse.

Finally, check out Unschooling Changed Us All Around, by Andrea at Say YES 2 Boys. Andrea has just completed year two as a homeschooling mom and like most homeschooling parents, she's grown in ways she never would have imagined.

Teen Boys Eat A Lot

2010-06-17T23:34:00.002-05:00

That's the conclusion of a new scientific study. I know, right? Tell us something we don' t know!

But the study, published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, could be reassurance for parents and teen boys in this day and age of eating disorders. While we tend to associate eating disorders, dieting and poor body image with girls, boys are affected too. Just today, another mom told me that her 7-year-old son recently asked if he was fat. (He's not.) And my 12-year-old son, a growing boy if ever there was one, frequently expresses concern about the weight he's gaining. He's gotten the societal message that weight gain is bad -- at 12-years-old.

Teenage boys, though, need to eat. According to the study, prepubescent boys average nearly 1300 lunchtime calories, compared to girls' 900 calories. Boys in their mid-teens typically consume around 2000 calories at lunch. While that might sound like a lot (particularly to our weight-obsessed brains), boys need those calories to fuel their tremendous growth.

If you son starts obsessing about his weight, obsessively counting calories or exercising in the extreme, pay attention. As Adelaide Robb, an associate professor of psychiatry, said in a 2007 Washington Post article, "A teenage boy shouldn't be eating what his 110-pound, dieting mother would eat. It's normal for a half-gallon of milk and a loaf of bread to disapper every 48 hours if there's a teenage boy in the house."

Books for Boys: Authors

2010-06-16T22:54:00.004-05:00

Ever notice how some authors are more boy-friendly than others? My boys, for instance, loved the offbeat humor in The True Story of the Three Little Pigs and The Stinky Cheeseman and Other Fairly Stupid Fairy Tales, both by Jon Scieszka, a former boy and current author who's trying to liven up the literary offerings for boys. Scieszka, in fact, has a great website, GuysRead.com, which includes entire lists of books for boys.

Other boy-friendly authors include:

Matt Christopher If your son likes sports, you have to check out Matt Christopher, author of the #1 sports series for kids. He's written about everything from basketball and baseball to dirt bike riding and lacrosse. He's even written a series of non-fiction books about sports legends such as Dale Earnhardt and Michael Jordan.

Neil Gaiman An award-winning, living legend in the comic world, Neil Gaiman is perhaps best known to the masses for his book-turned-movie Coraline. Be forewarned, though: Gaiman has written everything from children's books to adult novels, and his themes can be a bit dark at times.

Shel Silverstein Is there a better way to introduce boys to poetry than through the work of Shel Silverstein? My four active boys actually begged me to read more poems when I sat down and started reading selections from Where the Sidewalk Ends during lunch. (Bonus: his website actually has some really cool activities for kids as well.)

Geronimo Stilton Apparently, some mice really know how to write. Geronimo Stilton is a talking mouse and the fictitious author of a wildly popular series of children's books aimed at kids ages 9-12. Would you believe that Geronimo Stilton is more popular in Italy than Harry Potter?

Do you have any favorite authors to add to the list? Who do your boys enjoy reading?

The Definition of Futile

2010-06-15T21:09:00.003-05:00

According to dictionary.com, futile means having no useful result. Like, say, vacuuming your living room only to discover a flood in your kitchen?

Life with four boys is anything but neat. Interesting, chaotic, loud, exciting, annoying and invigorating, but not neat. And for the most part, I'm OK with that. For the most part, I'm able to see the scattered toys, papers and books on the floor as physical evidence of their creativity and learning. But every now and again, enough is enough. Every now and again, I make an attempt to contain the chaos.

Today, while 3 boys were happily making/floating homemade boats in the kitchen sink, I headed to the living room to vacuum. I took a timer with me. 10 minutes of housework at a time is about all I can handle.

My timer hadn't even beeped when screams summoned me to the kitchen. In less than 5 minutes, my 4-year-old had managed to flood the kitchen. Water was EVERYWHERE -- on the floor, on the counter, on the stove, on my cell phone, running down the counters, seeping out of cracks, etc. It was the kind of mess that puzzles you for a moment because you have no idea how to clean it up.

"Towels!" I yelled. "Get the bathroom towels"

So my boys went running. Together, we slip-slided our way around the floor on bath towels. We also yelled at each other. The boys yelled at Boy #4; I yelled at them. By the time we were done, the kitchen floor was almost clean and 3 boys were in 3 time-outs.

That's when the word futile popped into my head. I meant to spend 10 minutes cleaning the house. Instead, I spent 20 minutes cleaning up the kitchen -- and I still have a load of towels to wash. Phyllis Diller had it right: Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

Futile, indeed.

Boys and the Arts

2010-06-14T10:44:00.003-05:00

I watched the Tony Awards, the Oscars of the theatre world, with my 12-year-old son last night. We critiqued the musical numbers, commented on the plays and predicted the winners. And at the end of the night, my 12-year-old son watched me jump off the couch and applaud my childhood best friend as he took the stage at Radio City Music Hall, part of the crowd accepting Memphis' award for Best Musical.

I was proud of my friend because he's my friend, but also because he and I grew up together, here in a small midwestern town where sports reign supreme. I watched, supported and shared his interest in the arts over the years, listenting to Phantom of the Opera in his room (on new-fangled CDs!) and applauding wildly the first time we saw Cats. We sang in choirs together, acted in plays together and attended the theatre together.

But while all of those activities were deemed OK (if not cool) for me, my friend fought an uphill battle because boys, you see, aren't supposed to like art. Boys are supposed to be manly and tough and strong. They're supposed to play football, not participate in show choir.

That was the message, at least, 20 years ago in this small town. Things are changing -- and I give a ton of credit to the choir director who came our junior year, who elevated the arts in our community -- but culturally speaking, the message still looms large. The arts are for girls -- or fags.

Don't believe me? In his 2002 report, Engaging Boys in the Arts, Scott Harrison cities a number of studies that uncovered stereotypical and homophobic beliefs about boys in art:

From Hanley, 1998

Singing is viewed a feminine activity - boys who engage in singing are feminine by implication... the peer group is hung up on the image that boys don't sing and those who do are gay or sissies or whatever - weak anyway

From Levine, 1995

American adults held...that only certain occupations were appropriate for homosexuals... They included nurse, librarian, airline steward, waiter, interior decorator, hairdresser and dancer, musician and artist...Homophobic men do not participate in sissy, womanly, homosexual activities or interests...Fear of being thought to be a homosexual thus keeps some men from pursuing areas of interest, or occupations, considered more appropriate for women or homosexuals.

Yes, the studies are older studies, but given the trouble my son's show choir has attracting male members, I don't things have changed as much as we'd like to believe. As far as art is concerned, our sons face some serious obstacles.

That's why I'm so glad my son watched the Tonys with me. He's been interested in music, dance and theatre from the beginning, and while we've encouraged his passions, nothing compares to a role model. When my son watched the Tonys last night, he heard performer after performer reference their dreams, dreams that once-upon-a-time seemed impossible. And when he saw me jump off the couch and my friend take the stage, he knew, somewhere deep in his soul, that boys from small midwestern towns can do anything they want.

Snapshot Sunday: Proud

2010-06-13T12:32:00.002-05:00

Best of the Blogs

2010-06-12T10:47:00.002-05:00

Parenthood is a full-time job (plus!). Picking up crackers, wiping snotty noses and reading All About Diggers for the 100th time doesn't exactly leave a lot of time for personal pursuits. And many, many parents, caught up in the whirlwind that is parenthood, let themselves go for a period of time. They push their dreams and passions aside while caring, exhaustively, for the needs of their children. But is that they way to go? Visit Boy Crazy to read a great post, On motherhood and art and our former selves. (You'll see a comment from me there as well.)

A lot of parents struggle with feeling of incompetence too. But as Jan Udlock learned, there's a big difference between "incompetent" and "learning." Read more at Imperfect Mom.

Interested in healthy, hearty, homegrown food for your family? Andrea at Say YES 2 Boys is busy reading about food, and she shares her favorites books with you in Books, Chickens and Boys.

Education Week has a great post about educational standards. No Child Left Behind may have been well-intentioned, but the standards generated in its wake are often nearly unobtainable, especially for many young boys.

Read anything else interesting this week? Send me a link!

Books for Boys: Series

2010-06-11T00:06:00.004-05:00

It's the beginning of summer. If you're like most parents, you're probably trying to figure out how to keep your son reading this summer, especially given the fact that a lof of boys are less-than-enthusiastic readers.

Luckily for me (and you!), I'm a member of a fabulous group of writers who also happen to be parents. When one parent recently asked for book suggestions for her elementary school-aged son, the suggestions were fast and furious -- and so good that I'm passing them on to you. So good, in fact, that I'm only going to share their series recommendations with you today. We'll talk authors another time.

Here, then, a list of boy-approved book series:

Lemony Snicket and a Series of Unfortunate Events

A to Z Mysteries

Little House on the Prairie (start with Farmer Boy if you think your boys will object to the female protagonists)

The 39 Clues

Star Wars chapter books

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Alex Rider

Percy Jackson and the Olympians

Hardy Boys

Captain Underpants

Harry Potter

The Secrets of Droon

If You Lived... historical series

Zac Power

Time Warp Trio

The Mysterious Benedict Society

Warriors or Seekers book series

The Keys to the Kingdom

Peter and the Starcatchers

Hank Zipzer

Inkheart triology

Have any series you'd like to add to the list?

The Nanny Question

2010-06-08T22:39:00.004-05:00

Here in small town middle-America, nannies are pretty rare. Babysitters? Check. Daycare providers? Check. Nannies? Cue the crickets.

Never mind, though. According to Dr. Dennis Friedman, any woman who outsources the care of her son to another woman may be putting him at risk of future infidelity.

Dr. Friedman is the author of, The Unsolicited Gift: Why We Do The Things We Do, which, according to TIME magazine, "explores how a mother's love for her offspring can determine how those children behave as adults." And leaving your baby boy in the care of another woman, Dr. Friedman says, "creates a division in his mind between the woman he knows to be his natural mother and the woman with whom he has a read hands-on relationship," a division that essentially teaches him that it's perfectly normal to have a family woman at home and a mistress to "take care" of him.

Well then. Even if Dr. Friedman's hypothesis was true -- and his detractors are quick to point out that he provides no proof or statistics -- how exactly does he propose we solve this problem? Require maternity nurses to settle in for long chats with boy-moms, chats to explain that the mothers' presence is absolutely required to prevent their sons from cheating? Special food stamp affadavits for boy-moms, because, you know, moms must stay home the entire first year to ensure the future stability of society?

What ever happened to teaching responsibility and values? Whether a mom works or not, whether she physically cares for her son 100% or 60% or 35% of the time, she can influence her son -- not by her mere presence, but by her words and actions. And so, by the way, can his dad.

Ultimately, though, any blame for adult infidelity lies solely with the cheating adult. Our job as parents is to provide our sons with a firm foundation. From there, the choices they make are their own. If one of my sons decides to cheat on his wife in his mid-40s, I may feel many things, but guilt, I can promise you, will not be one of them.

Birth Control and Boys

2010-06-05T11:23:00.004-05:00

According to the latest study by the Centers for Disease Control, 40% of teens aged 15 to 19 have had sex at least once. 81% of boys who engaged in sex reported using birth control during their first sexual encounter.

That's the good news, I suppose. Most of our teens are not having sex, and the vast majority of those who are sexually active are taking steps to protect their health and prevent pregnancy.

Buried in the "good news," though, is an extremely disturbing nugget of information: 18% of the boys surveyed said they would be a "little pleased" or "very pleased" if their sexual encounters resulted in a pregnancy.

Take a minute for that to sink in.

Almost one-fifth of the boys surveyed -- boys aged 15 to 19 -- would be happy if they impregnated a girl. Why??? Because it proves their manliness? Their virility? Because they hope to leave a lasting mark on the world? Whatever their misguided reasons, we need to get one message through to our boys, loud and clear: Making a baby does not make you a man. Living up to your responsibilities, whatever those responsibilities might be, makes you a man.

Kimberly Spector, an LA-based adolescent-health educator quoted in a WebMD story about the study said, "This report shows us that if we as educators and parents are going to take a wholistic approach to sex education, one that addresses all of the risks and most completely informs our students and children, we are going to have to start talking more in depth about the realities of parenting. Teenagers need to know that having babies is not just about cuteness, love, and a lasting relationship with a significant other, but also about dirty diapers, sleepless nights, increasing expenses, and often, emotional exhaustion."

The truth of her words is stunning in its simplicity. We need to teach our kids that sex may result in parenting.

I'm a proponent of open and honest conversations about sex and birth control. I firmly believe that our children need to know about sexually transmitted diseases and birth control options, because like it or not, we can't control our children's behavior. We can, however, influence their behavior, and maybe that's where we've been slacking off.

Most modern sex ed programs focus on mechanics, diseases and birth control methods. But how much time really is spent drumming in the idea that sex leads to babies, which leads to parenting? It's almost as if that reality has gotten lost in the details. It's a hard concept to teach -- I mean, how many of us really understood how difficult parenting would be? -- but one that's absolutely essential. Our boys need to know that sex doesn't end with making a baby, that making a baby is just the beginning.

On the other hand, I don't want our children indoctrinated with the inconveniences of parenting. Yes, having a baby results in dirty diapers, sleepless nights, increased expenses, and often, emotional exhaustion. But parenting can also be the greatest adventure of one's life, an opportunity for personal growth like no other. The hitch, though, is that you have to be ready. To fully partake in the joys of parenting, you have to be ready to set aside your own needs to focus on those of another, and that requires a maturity that most teens simply don't have.

As always, our kids are learning from us. My boys, especially the older ones, understand all too well that parenting is hard work, because they see me doing it day in and day out. They know that toddlers are extremely demanding little creatures because they've seen me deal with their highly persistent and strong-willed little brother. They also see, however, the deep love I have for each of my children, and I frequently talk about ways parenting has changed my life for the better. We also talk very candidly about teen sex, especially during teachable moments. FOX's hit TV show Glee contains a teen pregnancy story line, and we talk about it. Slowly, gradually, I think my boys are getting the message.

What about you? Do you think boys today "get" the idea that sex leads to parenting? What do you think needs to be done to improve our sons' sexual education?

Blogs about Boys

2010-06-04T18:10:00.003-05:00

Welcome to a new weekly feature, a weekly round-up of some of the best boy-related blog posts on the web. Find something interesting during the week? Send me a link! You just might see it again next Friday.

On being heard -- Elizabeth at Boy Crazy writes beautifully and eloquently about the need to listen to our sons, and the way their words can get lost in the busyness of our days

Lessons from the class of 2010 -- Outnumbered Mom has a son graduating this week. She accompanied his senior class on a mountain hike and learned something about stragglers and leaders.

Boost kids' summer reading -- This time of year, a lot of parents are wondering how to incorporate reading into their sons' summers. Single Parent Savings has some excellent ideas, including a link to Guys Read, Jon Sciescka's blog. (Yep, he's the guy who wrote The True Story of the Three Little Pigs. If you haven't read it yet to your boys, run to the library immediately!)

Numbers right now -- From the time we first count their little fingers and toes, parenthood is all about the numbers. Visit 4 little men & girly twins for a numerical snapshot in time. I'll bet you can relate!

Can we lay off mom-judging now? Please? -- Let's face it: we've all felt superior, on occasion, to another mom. But as fellow boy-mom, blogger and freelance writer Denise Schipani points out, our judgements do more harm than good.

The Boys Are All Right

2010-06-03T23:07:00.003-05:00

My boys will tear each other to shreds over the simplest things. Lest you think I jest, I overheard one boy blasting another today because the one picked up a scrap of wood the other had just discarded.

So it really wasn't surprising to find Boy #3 in tears after he broke his brother's bike. He'd borrowed it to ride around the block and summoned me to our front door, almsot hysterical. In his hand, he held the bolt that had been serving as the bike's left pedal.

To be fair, Boy #2's bike has been in fair-to-poor condition for some time now. After the left pedal on his bike fell off, his Dad and Grandpa attempted to fix it, without much success. The bolt was clearly a stop-gap measure, but it was working. Without the bolt, the bike was pretty much useless and Boy #3 knew that. He also knew that the bike is pretty much #2's favorite plaything right now -- and that #2 has a volatile temper.

Boy #3 begged me for help. Fix the bike, he pleaded. I can't give it back like this! He'll kill me! I sent him searching for the lost nut; no luck. We attempted to secure the bolt with another nut scrounged from the garage. No luck there, either. #3, I said, you're going to have to tell him.

Can't you do it, he pleaded, tears in his eyes. I told him no. He borrowed the bike; he would have to deal with the consequences. Even if we'd "fixed" the bike, I told him, we'd be obliged to tell #2 what happened.

#3 reluctantly approached his brother. He led his confused brother to the bike and pointed to the broken piece through his tears. And to my surprise, #2 simply patted him on the head and said, You thought I'd be upset about that? It was going to break sooner or later anyway. If it wasn't you, it would have been me. He wrapped his arm around his little brother and the two of them walked off as I stood there, my heart swelling with joy.

Gifted Gender Gap

2010-06-03T00:00:00.004-05:00

In New York City, there are more gifted girls than boys -- or so one would believe, glancing at one of the many girl-heavy gifted classes.

According to the New York Times, the city's current population of gifted kindergarteners is 56% female, despite the fact that males actually account for 51% of all students in NYC. Why so few boys? The Times article lists a number of overlapping reasons:

Testing bias -- New York schools use two different tests to assess students' ability. One, the Bracken School Readiness Assessment, has been field tested for gender bias. Unfortunately, the Bracken test only accounts for 25% of a child's gifted score in New York. The other test, the Otis-Lennon Ability Test, has not been tested for gender bias and has a strong verbal component, which may play to the early verbal abilities of young girls. The Otis-Lennon test accounts for 75% of a child's score.

Delayed social and emotional development -- Many (most?) young gifted boys are still working on skills such as sitting still, sharing and impulse control. Young girls typically develop impulse control and relationship skills earlier than boys.

Non-academic tendencies -- Not all gifted children want to sit around the discuss the classics. Some gifted kids, especially some boys, prefer to create elaborate block towers or imaginative inventions. Educators who focus only on traditional academic measures of giftedness may miss some gifted boys.

What can you do?

Educate yourself about gifted issues, boys and education. Boys are disproportionately represented in special ed classrooms, and are far more likely than girls to be labeled as "learning disabled," "troublemakers," or "ADHD." Learn all you can about male and female brain development and share your information with your sons' teachers and schools.

Ask how your local school evaluates giftedness. Some schools rely on teacher recommendations; others, like New York, focus on standardized testing. If you believe the method used by your school district is unfair to boys, share your concerns. Be prepared to back up your position and to suggest alternative evaluation methods.

Encourage your sons' interests -- even the non-academic ones. School has increasingly become a sit-down-and-learn kind of place, but most boys are still active, experiential learners. If your son wants to spend hours dismantling broken appliances, let him. Give him some basic safety lessons, hand him a screw driver and be available to answer his many questions.

Gifted boys have a tough row to hoe. Being smart still isn't considered "manly," and far too many of our gifted boys are ignored by schools and society. So stand up for your son. He needs all the help he can get.

Want to know more about gifted boys? Be sure to read Lisa Rivero's guest post, Guiding Gifted Boys.

Blogging Lessons for Parents

2010-06-01T09:32:00.003-05:00

Have you ever watched a bunch of marathoners at the finish line? Some stride through confidently throught the finish (only to puke on the other side). Others grimace and groan, determined to push through to the end. Still others stagger and crawl, the tears streaming down their faces a mixture of pain and pride.

The Word Count Blogathon is like that. Some, like Jackie Dishner at BIKE with Jackie, make it look easy. The rest of us are just grateful to have finally reached the finish.

Today, bloggers from around the world come together to reflect on the Blogathon. There's a wrap party on Twitter (join us at 8:30 am PST, #Blog2010). Blog posts celebrating lessons learned are lighting up the blogosphere. So I began to ponder -- What did I learn from the blogathon this year? -- and realized that my top four lessons apply to parenting as well. Take a look:

Four Lessons for Parents and Bloggers

1. You can't expect greatness all the time. It's pretty hard -- no, make that impossible -- to create a magnus opus every day. The only way to blog every day is to let go of your need for perfection. You need to accept the fact that some days, you'll only have the energy for a haiku. Or a borrowed YouTube video. Parenting is the same way. Some days, we're on our game, whipping up tasty, healthy meals while planning interesting activities and excursions. Other days, we order in pizza and let the kids watch TV and IT'S OK! Parenting, like blogging, is a long haul adventure.

2. Reaching out makes a difference. One of the main benefits of the Blogathon is the chance to learn from and interact with other bloggers. Participants are encouraged to visit others' blogs, to comment, to guest post, to share insights. Last year, I was an active particpant in the Blogathon, visiting and commenting on almost every blog in the bunch. I went above and beyond and hosted weekly blog exhanges, thereby creating relationships with other writers that last to this day. (The ever-hilarious and consummate professional Ron Doyle is currently designing my professional website.) This year, I was overwhelmed with deadlines (a GOOD problem for a writer to have!) and didn't reach out to other bloggers nearly as much. As a result, my experience this time around wasn't nearly as rich. Parents, too, need to reach out to others. Sure, you can do it alone, but it's much harder. When you reach out to others, you tap into the strength of a parenting collective. You can borrow others' ideas -- or just feel better about your own life. Isn't it reassuring to know that other boys badger their parents for airsoft guns as well?

3. Putting yourself on the list is a very good thing. We all KNOW that we need to make time for ourselves. We're heard the airplane oxygen mask analogy more times than we can count. But in the midst of daily life, with one child begging for milk and another asking for help on the computer, it's all to easy to forget to pee. Blogging is the same way. My paying work, naturally, takes priority over my blog. But all too often, that meant I had no time or energy left for the blog. (Hence, my hideous posting record in the month of April.) To blog every day, I added it to my work calendar: Blog. Just 4 little letters, but by placing those letters on the calendar every day, I gave them weight. Listed next to my assignments, "blog" became a priority, a part of my work day. Parents need to do the same thing. Schedule "exercise," "haircut" or "girls' night out." Put it on the calendar and make it happen!

4. You don't need a plan. More than one blogathoner has stressed the importance of a plan when blogging on a daily basis. I, however, did not have a plan for the blogathon. No plan, no pre-scheduled posts. And you know what? I made it through! Parenting, by it's very nature, requires hundreds of on-the-fly adjustments -- and often, the unscheduled days are the best. It's OK to be a planner, but it's equally OK to take life as it comes. Successful parents (and successful bloggers) are creative and adaptable.

What did you learn from the Blogathon? Did you like the daily posts in the month of May?

In Memoriam

2010-05-31T09:40:00.000-05:00

Snapshot Sunday: Wedding Cake

2010-05-30T14:17:00.002-05:00

Before the Boys

2010-05-29T10:15:00.003-05:00

Before my boys...

I'd never watched an entire Star Wars movie
I couldn't pronounce the names of most dinosaurs, much less identify them
I'd never wielded a power tool
I had no idea that the 1927 Yankees were the best baseball team ever
I'd never participated in a lightsaber duel
I didn't know what a blog was
I'd never read a book about Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig or Mickey Mantle
I never fully realized how dirty white socks can get
I'd never seen a case of poison ivy, first-hand
I knew nothing about the brain-based differences between males and females
I didn't own any legos
I'd never published a single article
I didn't know that "buddy" was slang for "cup"
I didn't spend nearly enough time in the woods

How 'bout you? Help me add to my list!

Memorial Day injuries

2010-05-28T15:36:00.004-05:00

As we prepare to embark on a three-day weekend, I have three words for you: 1. Enjoy!
2 & 3. Be careful.

The number of injuries spikes over Memorial Day weekend, especially for boys. A review of records from 1997 to 2006 found that injuries are indeed more common on holiday weekends, with Memorial Day and Labor Day topping the list of dangerous holiday weekends. Most of the injuries, however, are not specifically event-related (say, a fireworks injury on July 4th). Most of the injuries are simply the result of active, outside activities, such as biking.

Boys suffered 62 percent of the reported injuries.

Older youth are particularly at risk for drinking-related injuries. The Drug Abuse Warning Network (DAWN) found that ER visits related to underage drinking increase by 11% over the Memorial Day weekend.

So have fun, but keep a close watch on your boys. Let's make this a safe and enjoyable holiday for all!

Gay

2010-05-27T23:30:00.002-05:00

In the early 1900s, gay meant happy and carefree. In 2010, gay is about the worst epithet a boy can throw at a another boy.

Last year I blogged about Dude, You're a Fag: Masculinity and Sexuality in High School, a book that explores boys' seach for meaning and masculinity. That post came to mind as I watched the most recent episode of Glee this week.

Watch Kurt's dad stand up for his son after Finn, another member of the show choir, uses the word, "faggy."

Gender Intensification

2010-05-26T21:38:00.004-05:00

Do we really want to make the differences between boys/girls even more wider than they already are? If we divide education along gender lines, will the divide create less ability for men and women to coexist? Will it increase an already high divorce rate?

In addition, will girls stop playing with trucks and cars completely, and boys with dolls? How much more difficult will it make for girls to enter traditionally male-dominated fields without feeling ostracized from their own friends and life?
-- Jill

Pretty powerful questions, eh? Because we live in a co-ed society, the idea of single-sex education seems a little odd -- and frankly un-American to some people. Most of us agree that gender stereotypes have trapped both men and women for far too long, and few of us want to bind our children with what we hoped were antiquated notions. We want to stretch our children's horizens, not reinforce their limitations.

Interestingly, though, the research shows that children in single-sex classrooms actually experience more freedom. Ironically, children in mixed-gender classrooms often experience what's called gender intensification, meaning an exaggerated preference for all things "boy" or "girl." In co-ed company, a boy who might play dress-up alone may instead play with trucks in an attempt to identify with his group, the boys. Similarly, a girl who is brilliant at math may downplay her abilities because 1) boys don't like smart girls and 2) the other girls aren't into math. In other words, students in mixed-gender classrooms may actually gravitate toward the stereotypes.

In a single-sex classroom, with no need to prove their identity, boys (and girls) often feel more free to explore the gamut of experiences. Instead of reinforcing gender stereotypes, single-sex classrooms allow students to explore the range of "male" and "female." In other words, girls in a single-sex preschool may actually be more likely to play with trucks; boys, more likely to pick up a doll.

Single-sex education isn't as simple as marshalling all the boys in one classroom and the girls in another. To be truly effective, the teachers of single-sex classrooms must have a thorough understanding of typical male (or female) development, and their teaching must reflect that knowledge. The best single-sex teachers create environments that nurture and facilitate the development of their students. Teaching boys isn't about trucks and dinosaurs; it's about letting boys move (because their brains enter a state of rest unless they're physically engaged).

As for boys and girls learning to co-exist, we live in a co-ed world, remember? Students in single-sex classrooms continue to have many opportunities to interact with the other sex in their churches, clubs, communities and families.

Single-Sex Education

2010-05-25T23:24:00.004-05:00

What do you think of single-sex education?

According to a recent Forbes.com article, single-sex education is on the rise in the United States. In 2020, about a dozen US public schools offered single-sex classes. In 2010, more than 500 public schools offer single-sex instruction.

Some see this the trend toward single-sex education as a positive; others consider it an old-fashioned technique that reinforces gender stereotypes. Perhaps not surprisingly, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is the prime antagonist of the single-sex education movement. An ACLU spokeswoman, quoted in the Forbes article, said, "The programs push the notion of a fundamental difference in the way boys and girls learn."

And there it is, the 5-ton elephant in the corner. The are-there-differences-between-boys-and-girls question.

While some staunch feminists want to deny any innate differences between males and females, I believe the answer is yes. I'm all for civil liberties and women's rights, but I simply don't understand how anyone can argue that there are no differences (save the physical ones) between males and females. Anyone who has ever had a friend or partner of the opposite sex knows that men and women perceive the world differently. Anyone who has ever had a son understands, instinctually, that boys are different than girls.

"Different" isn't better -- and it certainly isn't worse. It's just different. And respecting and honoring those differences, rather than snuffing them, demonstrates respect for the child, whether male or female.

Serious scientific studies have documented serious biological differences in the brain function of boys and girls. While boys and girls are both equally capable of learning to read, the portion of the brain that handles language matures, on average, six years later in boys than in girls. Is it fair to ask all six-year-old boys to read at the same level as six-year-old girls? Boys' fine motor skills develop more slowly than girls'. Is it fair to ask five-year-old boys to write with the same precision as five-year-old girls?

I don't think so. It's far better, I think, to support and encourage each child individually, respecting his or her natural gifts, inclinations and personal development. Single-sex classrooms are an institutional attempt to tailor education. School districts will never have the necessary funding for individualized education, so until then, single-sex classrooms a way of reaching boys and girls who often flounder in mixed-gender classes.

That's my opinion anyway. What's yours?

Blogathon2010: Haiku

2010-05-24T19:20:00.002-05:00

Posting everyday can be a challenge. There's the time commitment, sure, but even more than that, there's the pressure to stay fresh, interesting and relevant on a daily basis. So today's Blogathon challenge is short and sweet: Write a haiku.

Don't remember haikus? Haiku is a form of Japanese poetry, a word picture expressed in 17 syllables: 5 syllables for the first line, 7 for the second and 5 for the third. Some great stuff has been posted today, so I highly encourage you to visit a couple other Blogathoners.

Here's mine:

Bouncing on the couch
Boundless energy in jeans
Men yet to be born

See? It's easy! Give it a try -- I'd love to see your haikus.

Snapshot Sunday: No Photo Cord

2010-05-23T23:18:00.002-05:00

I have some incredibly fun photos of my boys. I really, really do. I do not, however, have my photo cord.

Bear with me! I'll post some photos later this week. In the meantime, anyone else have a fun boys-at-work photo they'd like to share?

Compliments

2010-05-22T23:13:00.002-05:00

"You have such nice boys."

We spent the day with extended family -- many of whom we haven't seen a long time -- and by and large, almost everyone had something good to say about my boys.

"Your boys are so well-behaved."

Now I realize that my relatives may have been making nice. And I'm fully aware that very, very few people are going to come up to me and say directly, "Your kids are scallywags!" All the same, it was nice to hear good things about my boys.

What's the nicest compliment anyone has given you about your sons?

Life with Boys

2010-05-21T11:56:00.004-05:00

Am I the only boy-mom who doesn't swoon at the sight of little girls clothes?

I know quite a few moms of boys who wish they'd had a daughter -- not because they yearn for the mother-daughter bond but because they dreamed of dressing a little girl in cute frilly dresses. Like this mom.

When I walk through a mall, though, and see the clothing options available to today's young girls, I'm GLAD I have sons! My sons can get away with a Tshirt and jeans for almost every occasion, and I never, ever have to worry about the length of their skirts or clothing that has "Eye Candy" emblazoned across the butt. My boys are so clueless about clothing that I can place hand-me down clothes in their drawer and the boys will wear some of those hand-me downs, oh, 5 times before looking down one day and asking, "Where'd I get this shirt?"

But let's revisit the girl-clothing-swoooning mama up above. I might not share her fetish for all things pink, but I can definitely relate to her life. I haven't given my boys my wooden dollhouse, but I can totally picture my boys destroying one in less than 10 minutes. And when she talks about her son, who still calls all women "Mama" but correctly identifies cars, trucks and trains, my heart sings with recognition.

As a women, I will never quite understand my sons' predisposition toward guns and trucks and farts. As a mom, though, I'm having a great time exploring their world.

Let Them Be Little

2010-05-20T15:59:00.004-05:00

It was a beautiful day outside today, so the boys and biked to a local nature trail about a mile from the house. We had a great time in the woods, but the ride home took FOREVER -- mostly because Boy #4 was in no particular hurry and kept weaving his bike from side to side. I was getting frustrated. I was hungry, tired and wanted to get home.

Then I remembered this post. Almost exactly one year ago, my little boy didn't even know how to use the brakes on his training wheel bike. Now, I'm getting frustrated with him because he doesn't bike quickly enough? Twelve months ago, he couldn't safely navigate a hill. Today, he biked over a mile there, hiked the 1.5 mile trail and biked back. And I, the supposed grown-up in this scenario, was upset because I was hungry.

The incident got me thinking about our expectations for our kids. No sooner do they master one skill -- riding a bike, for instance -- and we expect them to master the next (riding efficiently!). Same thing in school: One day, we tell ourselves we'd be happy if the kid could just read. The next, we're worried that he's not reading enough. Growth, though, isn't linear and predictable. It's not a straight-up diagonal line on a line graph; a child's natural growth curve includes lots of jumps, starts and stalls. There are moments of incredible leaps -- and months of seemingly no activity whatsoever. There are times of regression. All in all, though, our little ones are growing at an amazing pace and need our support, no matter where they're at.

Childhood Depression

2010-05-19T22:36:00.003-05:00

Could your son be depressed?

My good friend and fellow blogger, Sarah E. Ludwig, has a terrific article about childhood depression in Parenting magazine. Among her points:

Childhood depression is more common than you may think. 1 in 20 children and teens are clinically depressed.
Depression is often masked by other issues. ADHD, anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder may all occur in conjunction with depression.
Irritability can be a major sign of depression in kids. Sure, we all expect some irritability from our children as they approach their teen years, but a kid who's constantly annoyed and irritated may actually be depressed.
Early diagnosis and treatment is key. Prolonged untreated depression, Sarah writes, can actually change the shape of the brain.

If you think your son may be depressed, get him help NOW. (You can find a list of symptoms here.) Help doesn't necessarily mean anti-depressants, although anti-depressant have been used effectively in children. Help can include cognitive behavioral therapy, coping skills and emotional support.

Of course, not all depressed kids require years of psychotherapy or medication. Some kids experience transient situational depression, a natural response to a traumatic event. And some kids are only mildly depressed; with time and attention, their depression may resolve in weeks. Other children, however, struggle with a despair so dark and deep that it feels unending. A professional can help you determine the severity of your child's depression and plan appropriate treatment.

Have you dealt with childhood depression? I'd love to hear your story.